


You deserve peace, you deserve healing

by lydiamxrtin



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Established Relationship, Fire Family, Fluff, Hurt TK Strand, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:47:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23124217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamxrtin/pseuds/lydiamxrtin
Summary: Following TK after the events of the finale episode.TK struggles to balance his injury and addiction as he returns to work, persuading everyone he is fine when in fact he is the complete opposite.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Comments: 79
Kudos: 303





	1. Distraction

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, 
> 
> So this is my first fic for 911 lone star, I've fallen in love with this show of late and the character of TK so hope you enjoy 
> 
> AJ

The pale light crept in from the window, filling the apartment with a warm glow. Carlos carefully rolled over in the bed, over the last weeks he’d gotten used to moving cautiously in the bed, not wanting to knock TK. However, as he moved, he couldn’t feel a body next to him, Carlos looks up to see that TK was nowhere in the room.

“TK?” Carlos called; his voice already filled with concern. Carlos threw the sheets off his bed, walking around the apartment “TK?” If Carlos were moving, he probably wouldn’t have heard it, a small faint voice.

“I’m fine” The voice was quiet, Carlos walked towards the bathroom, trying the door handle but finding it locked.

TK stood in the bathroom, his hands bracing the sink. TK had gotten out of the shower about five minutes ago and gotten dressed for work but was still stood facing the mirror, not being able to bring himself to leave the warm comfort of the bathroom. Today was his first day back at work, he’d been off for around ten days, his dad, the doctor and even Carlos had tried to convince him to take more time off, to heal more but TK wanted to get back, he needed to. “Everything alright?” Carlos called from outside. TK had been staying at Carlos most nights, wrapped up in the arms of the man he swore was just a one-night thing.

“I’m just getting ready. I’m fine” As TK spoke his chest felt tighten like someone had tried a rope around his lung pulling it tighter at every word. TK looked down at his watch. He sighed, a ragged cough following, TK clutched his chest and leaned over the sink, using his other hand to brace himself. TK squeezed his eyes shut, the pain radiating throughout his whole body. Eventually, he pushed himself up, looking into the mirror; TK looked tried, and he felt it. He hadn’t slept probably for days, every position in bed caused his chest to ache and burn, everything hurt; movement, drinking, eating. TK felt his stomach churn and felt goosebumps rise on his skin; maybe he was getting sick, coming down with the flu. TK sighed and headed towards the bathroom door and unclicked the lock, pausing for a moment before pushing open the door. The once warm, steamy air was suddenly cold, and clear. Carlos was stood in the middle of his room, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, today was his day off, the sight of the man-caused the frigid room to feel a little warmer.

“You okay?” It seemed that was all anyone asked TK now, and his answer had never changed since he left the hospital.

“I’m fine” TK pushed a smile on his face, trying to soothe Carlos worries. From the look on his face, it wasn’t working, Carlos walked over to him, his eyes scanning his body and face, TK tried to keep the smile, but he could already feel it falling. Carlos came to a stop in front of him, after a moment or two he reached his hand up, bringing it to TK’s collar fixing a crease in it.

“You know you don’t have to do back?” Carlos didn’t make eye contact with TK, focusing on his collar. “The 126 would understand- “

“The doctor said I’m fine to go back” TK interrupted him, shifting on his feet.

“She said you could take a few weeks to heal, its barley been two weeks” Carlos finished with the collar smoothing it out. Carlos kept his hands on TK’s shoulders. He looked up at TK; his large eyes focused just on him “I know you’re feeling restless, and you want to help but…” TK kept his eyes on Carlos as the man seemed to search for the right words. Carlos moved one of his hands to cup TK’s cheek, causing TK to lean into to comfort, closing his eyes for a second. “-You’ve got to take care of yourself tiger.”

TK looked at Carlos and felt his chest tighten for another reason, and for once, he didn’t quite mind it. TK reached his hand up and placed it on top of Carlos “I will” He quietly said, a small reassuring smile on his face, Carlos matched it. TK leaned forward and placed a light kiss on Carlo’s lips, wanting to stay in the moment for longer but willing himself to pull away. After the solar flare, TK had made a lot of decisions, one of them being admitting to himself that Carlos was more than just a fling. The pair still didn’t know much about each other, but TK was enjoying getting to know the man; his favourite meal, his friends, his hobbies. The horn roared from outside, and both men looked towards the door. “I’ll see you tonight” Carlos smiled. TK gave another swift kiss to Carlos before heading out the door.

TK pulled open the front door; his father was stood outside his car, waiting for TK. His body was tense, arms over his chest, his shoulders tight, TK knew when his father was stressed, he’d seen it when his parents got divorced, when TK had gone out on his first call, his first overdose and now. Owen had made it clear that he had wanted TK to take more time off, to heal more, but TK couldn’t take it anymore, he was agitated and needed to get back to work. 

“Morning,” His dad said in a cheerful voice, uncrossing his arms.

“You know I could’ve driven myself,” TK said, walking passes his farther towards the car.

“Nice to see you too son” TK could hear the sarcasm in his dad’s voice, “We agreed that if you’re going to come back, we’re going to do it on my rules okay” This time no sarcasm in his voice. TK paused for a moment before pulling open the car door, he slowly bent down to get into the car, his chest protesting the whole time. TK tried to steady his breathing, but he couldn’t quite get a handle of it, “You okay?” Owen asked, TK went to say something, but he couldn’t get the words out, like the rope around his chest had tightened around the words causing to them to become lodged in his throat “Son” TK looked over at his dad, his face was screwed up in worry. TK took a moment, making small breaths slowly until the burning passed.

“I’m fine, I’m okay” he breathed, sounding like he’d just run to the car.

There was a pause, Owen pulled his lip into a thin line. “If you need more time to-“

TK held his hands up “-I said I’m fine!” He yelled, “Can we just go please?” he muttered, with that TK turned away from his father facing out the window. There was a pause, the car hadn’t started, for a moment TK thought his dad wouldn’t leave, but then the car engine broke the silence, the car pulling out of the drive.

“So, for the first week or so I don’t want you on fire calls, the stress will be too much for your lung, even with the mask and everything” This was the other condition to coming back, one TK was still struggling with. “Other calls, we will decide case by case.”

“You mean you?” TK snapped, still staring out of the window as the scenery went past.

“Yes me, I know you TK you’ll think you’re ready and push yourself too far” It was clear TK’s attitude was starting to grate on his dad, he just wanted to keep his son safe and currently his son was being a dick. “Everyone is excited to see you, it’s all the 126 has spoken about all week, buttercup has missed you the most, won’t get off your bed” TK wanted to be excited, want to be eager to see the team again. Still, it just wasn’t there, and his mind was preoccupied, it had been since he left the hospital. TK reached into his pocket and pulled his headphones out, plugging them into his phone, trying to drown his mind in the music.

After what felt like the longest ride to the station, the pair pulled up. TK looked out of the window, the large doors to the fire station were open. TK stayed seated in the car, he thought once he saw the station, he would be excited, that all the doubt and worry in his mind would have been flushed out but as he sat there staring at what was his second home, his family he could only feel dread.

“Hey kiddo, you doin’ alright?” It was then that TK noticed his dad had gotten out of the car, walked around to TK side and was now crouched next to him, the car door open. “-And before you say ‘you’re fine’ you’re my kid, I know when you’re not okay” TK finally looked over at his dad, he looked exhausted, not only was he dealing with cancer, but now he had to take care of his son; it was meant to be the other way around. TK and his dad had always been close, talked about pretty much anything, and everything and his dad had always understood.

TK once again pushed a smile onto his face, turning to face his dad “Uhh just-just a little nervous to get back to work that’s all.”

His father reached up and cupped his sons face. “And that’s okay” His dad gave him one of his signature smiles before standing up and turning to face the station. TK followed suit, his hands nervously hanging at his side. As they turned the corner into the station, the team were cleaning the truck, chatting amongst themselves. After a moment the group turned around, hearing TK and Owen walking in.

Judd was the first to walk towards him, a subtle smile on his face “Hey kid” He said, his voice more quiet than usual. Judd pulled TK into the careful hug like he was holding a fragile bird.

As they pulled away, Paul came forward, shaking his head.

“Good to have you back kid hasn’t been the same without” With that Paul also pulled TK into a hug, being even more careful than Jud, giving his shoulder a squeeze as they parted

Before TK could respond, Marjan reached up for a hug, a soft smile on her face. Behind her was Mateo. “So, does this make you the probie now” Mateo gave TK a broad smile.

TK gave a small laugh, it is all his chest could conjurer. “Afraid not  ** probie ** ” TK joked, pulling the kid into a hug. As TK pulled away, he heard several little footsteps coming into the room, and then a loud bark.

“Buttercup!” TK beamed, the large dog bound towards the boy, stopping at his feet while wagging his tail. It had only been about two weeks since he’d seen Buttercup, but damn, he missed that dog. TK quickly bent down and hugged the dog, petting his head while Buttercup rapidly licked his face.

“Think we know who TK’s missed the most” Judd joked. After petting Buttercup and tussling the dog’s hair, TK quickly got up again and was confronted with a sharp pain in his chest, causing him to stumble back slightly.

“TK?” His dad panicked, grabbing onto his arm, TK clasped his eyes shut tight, taking slow, steady breaths.

“Is-is he okay?” TK heard Mateo spoke, after a moment, TK opened his eyes to see all the excited faces turned to fear and worry.

“I’m fine, I’ m-I’m okay” TK tried to reassure them, but none of the worried faces changed “I just stood up too quick, Buttercup got me all excited” TK tried to joke, he saw some of the worries disappear, but it still lingered.

“Alright alright, time to get back to work” His dad called, the group gave TK a finale smile, a few shoulders squeezes and light pats on the back. TK headed towards the rooms, placing his stuff in his locker, changing into a comfortable work shirt and hanging his shirt on the hook before going back to the bedroom. The room was empty, everyone off doing work. TK slowly walked over to his bed, sitting down carefully. TK took a deep breath, squinting as his chest ached. TK’s head hung a little lower, his eyes feeling heavy.

_ TK sat on the edge of his bed, grey joggers with a top, TK bounced his foot up and down, he just wanted to get out of this place, having been confined to a bed for a week. “So, your X-rays have come back clear, it seems the lung isn’t deflating and is healing quite nicely, so I feel happy discharging you from the hospital” TK felt a rush of relief, finally. He felt his dad reach over and pat his shoulder, a smile on his as well. “However, it’s going to be around six weeks until your lung is 100% back to normal so I recommend taking it easy, especially with your job, but if you’re careful you could be back to work in 2 weeks if the work is light” TK nodded along to what she was saying. Still, if he was honest he wasn’t listening after he heard the words ‘he can go home’ TK was just thinking about leaving.  _

_ “Thank you, doctor; we appreciate it” TK turned to his dad who for the first time in a while had a genuine smile on his face, his eyes full of appreciation.  _

_ “No problems” The doctor smiled back “So before you are discharged, you need to pick up some medicine, you need some pain relief.”  _

_ All the excitement TK had felt had deflated “Opioids?” his voice had lost all its confidence. _

_ The doctor gave the pair a strange look. “Yeah, I’m going to prescribe you- “  _

_ “I can’t take opioids” TK stuttered, shaking his head.  _

_ The confusion the doctor had only increased “I wasn’t aware of any allergies- “  _

_ “I can’t take those drugs” TK continued, not giving the doctor any more information. _

_ “Sir you have to understand your wound will heal, but due to the seriousness of it, it will be excruciating-“  _

_ “I’ll be fine okay” TK assured her, he had to be. _

_ Owen stepped forward, giving the doctor a small smile. “Doc, could you give us a minute please” The doctor paused before giving a slight nod and leaving the room. “TK…” _

_ TK looks down at the ground, shaking his head. “Dad I know what you’re going to say but…” Tk looked up at his dad, trying to make him understand “I’m not talking those pills okay I’ve already relapsed with all the morphine they’ve given me- “  _

_ Owen stepped forward, giving his son a sympathetic smile, placing a hand on his shoulder. “TK that isn’t a relapse, you were shot okay. You need pain med.” _

_ “Yeah, so I’ll get something over the counter okay?” TK could tell his father wasn’t convinced, he just wanted his son to be okay, to be able to take his medication but TK knew the truth. TK knew what would happen if he took those pills home if he started retaking them. It was just a flesh wound, it would heal, TK could get over it, but taking those pills again “Dad I…I can’t”. _

__

TK and his father had spent a long time arguing about the pills, eventually, once Owen had heard from the doctor that technically not taking the pills won’t affect his recovery, he agreed. TK reached up with one hand and ran his hand through his hair. Since they left the hospital, TK had had a constant headache, like there was a small unbroken voice in his head fighting to get to the top. The voice was saying the same thing over and over, but TK had managed to drown it out. With working out, with Carlos and now TK was hoping that work would do the same. TK had to drown the voice out; there was no other choice.


	2. Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follows TK's day at the fire station, when a call comes in TK goes along, how will this affect not only TK's physical health but his mental health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! This chapter follows TK at work and on a job, the next chapter will have lotsssss of Tarlos to stayed tune!

_TK had to drown the voice out; there was no other choice._

TK stood up from the bed, taking a breath. Get it together TK thought, this was just a cold or flu, it would go away soon, right? TK walked down to the ground floor, the team still working on the truck.

“Hey, we thought you’d gone to have a nap” Judd joked from on top of the fire engine as he cleaned it.

“No chance” TK joked back, picking up a cloth and bucket from the side and walking over to the truck.

“You’re looking a little ill, you sure you’re okay to-“, Paul started, but TK cut him off

“Guys I’m okay, I swear” This was around the 4th time today TK had to convince someone he was okay. “Please don’t make me spend the whole day saying that” TK looked over at the rest of the crew who were all watching him.

“We’re just looking out for you man,” Paul said, standing next to TK as they both cleaned, TK being a little slower than the rest.

TK sighed, everyone was just looking out for him, trying to protect him, but he didn’t need them to, he was fine and even if he wasn’t TK could look after himself, he had to. TK’s problems were no one else’s but his own, and he’d figure them out. “I know, but I’m good.”

Marjan asked. “So how long till you’re back to full health.”

TK washed away the dirt and mud from the truck “Well the doc said six weeks till its healed 100%” TK couldn’t imagine not being able to work for that long, it was his life and he wanted it back. “But I’m feeling fine so-“

“-So we’re going to wait and make sure that you’re back to full health” His father interrupted, TK turned around to see his dad walking through the building. “Well check with the doctor before you go back on the job fully” TK felt himself tense, turning away from his father and back towards the truck washing it with a little more aggression. He heard his father walked out, probably going back to his office. TK kept quiet for the rest of the cleaning, the group tried to talk to him, ask him questions but TK wasn’t interested, every time he spoke it was an effort.

The loud ringing bell sounded, everyone jumped from the truck and started moving, TK stumbled back from the truck, turning to grab his gear. TK started to put his gear on hastily, his shoulder protesting the movements, finally, TK got the gear on, his chest was aching from his hard breathing. As he reappeared into the room, he saw the rest of the gang jumping on the truck as TK approached his dad stepped in front of him.

“What do you thinking we’re doing?” His dad yelled; alarm pasted on his face.

“We don’t know if this is fire case yet I might be able to help-“He could tell his dad was about to protest, but TK continued stepping closer to his father, pulling his gear tighter on his body... “We don’t have time to argue we can decide when we get there” TK rapidly moved passed his father and got into the truck, the group looked surprised to see him. The truck pulled out of the room and rushed down the street.

“So apparently we’ve got a fire in a detached house, we don’t know how many people are in there so get ready” TK caught his dads’ eyes and knew what it meant – you’re sitting out of this one. As the truck pulled up, everyone jumped out, including TK, his body running on adrenaline. TK could see his father giving out instructions to people, he walked over and heard his dad telling Judd, and Marjan to search the top floor and Paul and Mateo to take the bottom, he would search the bottom with them, as far they knew a neighbour called it in and they didn’t know if the family was in there. “TK control the crowd!” TK wanted to protest but knew it was futile, so he watched as his team went in, himself unable to help.

TK stood and controlled the growing crowd, listening on the radio as the team organised themselves inside. For the first time in a while, the voice in his head, the sick feeling in his stomach was subsided, and his head was clear like the adrenaline had taken over and pushed everything out. After a while Judd and Marjan appeared, carrying a middle-aged man and woman; both unconscious, TK watched as they placed them on the stretchers, trying to talk to them, after another moment his dad and the others came out carrying two children, who were also unconscious. There was loud crashing from inside the building, the building shaking. TK felt his chest-beating, his body aching to help, to do something rather than just and hold his arms out to the worried crowd. “OKAY THIS BUILDING IS UNSTABLE SO WE GOTTA GET EVERYONE BACK” his dad called, “NO ONE IS TO GO BACK IN” As he said that another loud crash came from inside the building.

“ALEX” TK turned around to see a wailing woman trying to run past him, TK managed to grab her stopping her from going any. Further, the woman trying with all her effort to push past him. “MY SONS IN THERE, ALEX!” TK looked back towards the house “HE’S HAVING A SLEEPOVER-“.

Suddenly a man ran past TK towards the house “ALEX I’M COMING!” Without thinking TK turned and ran after the man, he could hear shouting behind him, but he didn’t stop, the man was unprotected if he went into the building the smoke would kill him. Before TK knew it was happening, he was inside the burning building, the air black with smoke. TK immediately covered his mouth with his sleeve looking for the man, luckily TK had his gear on but not his mask, meaning he didn’t have long inside the house.

“SIR! SIR?” He called, he could feel his chest tightening, his eyes watering. TK could hear the embers burning and things crashing around him. TK ran up the stairs, knowing that where the other children had come from. TK could hear shouting on his radio, but he wasn’t listening he just needed to find the guy. He looked around and went into the last room on the left, seeing the door for that one swinging open. TK ran in and saw the older man coughing on the floor, TK crouched next to him, the man was sobbing.

“I Can-can’t fin-find him” TK looked around the room, it was a child’s room, but there weren’t any other children around.

“YOU NEED TO LEAVE” TK called, the croak of his elbow covering his mouth and nose. A loud crash came from somewhere else in the house. The man shook his head and didn’t move. TK felt his lungs burning like there was a fire in them as well. TK heard his radio crack “TK WE’VE GOT THE BOY, GET OUT”. TK grabbed the man’s shoulder “DID YOU HEARD THAT? They’ve got Alex we’ve got to leave NOW!” The man paused for a moment before standing, however, his feet were uneasy, and the man collapsed, sending TK to the ground with him. For a moment, TK didn’t move; his lungs were throbbing with pain and his shoulder aching.

TK grabbed the man, wrapping one of his arms around his shoulder, pushing the pain down the best he could. TK hurried down the stairs, trying to hold his breath, TK felt his chest building his pressure, his eyes losing focus. Finally, light emerged in front of him, and he fell out of the front door, his arms still around the man. His dad and team ran towards him. Paul and Judd were grabbing the coughing man towards the ambulance. TK could see the rest of him talking to him, but he couldn’t hear anything, TK finally took in a large breath, his chest exploding with coughing. TK stumbled forward, and if his dad wasn’t there, he was sure he would of fell to the floor. TK felt his eyes swell with water, his chest felt like it did when he first got shot like someone was holding a lighter to it; every breath felt like someone was stabbing him. Suddenly someone placed a mask over his mouth, and he was seated on the sidewalk, and cold air filled his lungs, he could see a woman mouthing words in front of him.

S l o w

S M A L L

B r e a t h s

He could spell out, he took small breaths, slowly and after some time TK felt the fire in his lungs settle down, it wasn’t out, but he could breathe, TK reached up and pushed the mask away from his face.

“TK what are you doing?” His father yelled, who was crouched next to him.

“I’m good” His voice was scratchy and broken. The EMT looked between the pair.

“Sir you should really rest-“TK got up from the floor much to his father’s disapproval.

“I don’t need it, is the boy okay?” TK asked his father and Marjan, who was also next to him.

“The boy is safe, apparently during the night he felt sick so walked back over to his house and went to bed there and didn’t let his parents know he was home” TK nodded, a sigh of relief escaping him.

“And-and the family are they-“

“Stable” Marjan said, turning back towards the ambulance. “Their need some time to recover but there live” TK nodded again. “You should go to the hospital get ch-“

“Marjan can you give us a minute please” Marjan gave TK a small smile before walking back to the truck with the others. TK turned to his father and was about to say something when his father interrupted. “What in the HELL were you thinking” His father yelled, TK was started for a moment

“I was saving that guy!” TK defended himself, trying to make his voice sound as strong as he could.

His dad shook his head, clenching his fists. “You didn’t have a mask TK-“

TK throw his arm out towards the destroyed building “I didn’t have time to get one if that guy would have disappeared in that building, we would never have found him in time!”

His father stepped towards him; his voice shaken. “You could have died!”

TK felt his chest tightening again, “I was following my instinct, was doing my job-“

“You CAN’T do your job right now TK” His father voice was harsh, something TK hadn’t heard in a while. ‘You can’t do your job’ The words began to sink into TK, can’t do your job, TK felt his vision go slightly blurry, this time not from the smoke, he turned his head away and pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth. “TK…” His dad’s voice was softer this time, TK didn’t look up at his dad; instead, he pushed past him towards the truck, he could hear his dad calling him from behind, but he didn’t listen. As he approached the truck, he saw the team stood there; they had been watching the whole thing. TK got into the truck, not saying anything to them, the entire ride back was silent, from TK’s point of view anyway. He completely zoned out, staring out the window trying to push away the pain in his chest ‘you can’t do your job’ TK bit his lip harder, clenching his fist harder than he needed.

Once the truck got back, TK jumped out and headed straight up towards the rooms, grabbing a shower. The warm water cascaded down him, washing away the dirt and smoke from his body, TK washed away the dirt quickly. He took in a large breath, and the warm steam got stuck in his chest, causing TK to double over in agony, TK was sure he was going to pass out, his whole body shook, the fire in his chest erupting again. TK turned the shower off and stumbled out of the shower, grabbing a towel. TK tried to breathe in the cold air of the locker room, but it didn’t seem to help, TK gripped the edge of the sink, trying to steady his breath, concentrating on breathing. After a while TK could breathe better, he quickly dried off and put his spare t-shirt and work trousers on he’d left outside the shower. TK still stood over the sink; he wasn’t sure he felt stable enough to let go of it. TK started to cough again, his body shanking, this time it was shorter. TK reached down and splashed some water on his face. As he looked up, he saw his dad in the mirror.

“I know you don’t want to hear it, but you should visit the hospital, make sure – “

“It’s a cough-“TK bluntly said, wiping the water from his face with a small towel

His dad stepped closer, a concerned look on his face. “You had a collapsed long –“

“Yeah had!” Tk threw the towel down next to him, one hand resting on the counter.

“Your body is still healing” His father softly said, clearly trying to be as delicate with his son as he could, TK couldn’t help feeling like a child. “TK you’re shaking?” TK looked down to see his hands shaking, like he was cold, which he wasn’t if TK was honest, he was hot, he could feel the back of his neck heating up.

“It just the adrenaline wearing off,” TK said, that must have been what was happening thought TK, that had to be it right?

TK bounced his leg up and down, his fingers fidgeting on the countertop. TK crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes darting around the room. “I’ll stick to cleaning the truck okay, no calls” His father’s face didn’t change, TK had seen this face before, when he’d come into work too soon after an injury, TK began to shake his head. “I’ll finish early okay and get Carlos to take me for a check-up just…just don’t send me home” There was a pause, his dad’s face seemed to be studying TK, he made an effort to stand up straight and look as ‘fine’ as he could.

“Light cleaning and you’re going home at 6!” His dad was serious, pointing his finger at his son. TK nodded along, keeping his face sober as well. TK followed his dad down to the floor; the rest of the team were already cleaning the truck. As TK picked up the bucket, his dad grabbed his arm. “LIGHT, cleaning,” His dad said it loud enough so the others could hear, clearly his way of making sure that the others were watching TK.

“That was a real stupid move kid, brave as hell but stupid” Paul spoke from the roof of the engine.

“Shouldn’t you be at the hospital, getting checked out!” Mateo followed.

“Yeah, you don’t look too good sleeping beauty?” Marjan continued. TK could feel all the eyes on him, watching his every move.

TK sighed “I’m good” That was all he had to offer, with that TK, moved to the other side of the truck, away from the others. Over the next few hours, TK helped clean the vehicles, did some paperwork and texted Carlos to pick him up at 6. TK was in the locker room, putting things into his bag. TK stood up, leaning against the wall, his whole body ached, his body tremoring from just standing. TK’s stomach couldn’t stop churning, now and then a cramp sending him doubling over. TK felt a wave a nausea wash over him, TK pushed himself off the wall and headed towards the toilets making it just in time before he threw up his lunch, his chest screaming and gasping for air. His eyes burnt, and so did his chest, finally, TK fell back on his heels, trying to breathe, and clear his vision. TK stumbled out of the toilet and quickly washed his face, swilling his mouth out. It was just the adrenaline TK told himself, his body was in some form of shock.

“You know, you’re just like your dad” TK turned to see Judd walking into the room, pausing behind him.

TK reached down and finished zipping up his bag. “How so?” TK asked, not interested in the answer; he just wanted to be left in peace.

“You’re brave to the point of stupidity” TK paused, looking up from his bag to Judd, who was leaning on the wall. “Trying to save that bus driver during the solar flare, running into that building today, your dad would’ve done the exact same thing.”

TK stood up, flattering down the light grey hood he was wearing. “You should tell him that, maybe he’ll stop busting my balls about it” he bit back, TK didn’t know why he was so agitated, sure he and Judd had had their issues, but the guy was like his brother now, his family.

Judd seemed to think about this, nodding his head slightly before he started to walk towards TK. “Lemme ask you something if your dad was running into a building without a mask would you be happy?” TK looked at Judd; he didn’t need to answer the question, the look on his face did that. “I know you’re just trying to help TK, but man, you could have died today-“

“-Yeah I know Judd I have been told okay” TK interrupted, he just wanted to be left alone, why was everyone trying to tell him what he already knew; he fucked up.

“Look, I’ve been there okay, after what happened to my old team…” TK felt his face soften a bit “…I just wanted to get back to work, to help, to do anything to get my mind off what happened but, that ain’t the way brotha” Even though the locker room was huge, TK couldn’t help but feel suffocated, like the place was ten times smaller. TK felt his stomach churn again, a restless feeling crawling its way through its body. “You’ve been through a lot-”

TK reached down and slung his bag over his shoulder “I’ve been through worse okay, I’ll be fine.”

Judd sighed, his head hanging a little lower. “Kid, you don’t need to be a hero all the time”. For a moment, TK paused, be a hero all the time? TK wanted to chuckle; he wasn’t a hero, that was his dad, Carlos, the rest of the 126, but not TK. He looked up at Judd then walked past the older man, not saying a word. TK thought coming back to work would clear his head but if anything it made it worse, the little voice managing to crawl its way to the top and now it was the only thing he could hear 

_You can’t do your job_

_You can’t do your job_

_You can’t do your job_

_You can’t do your job_


	3. Realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a tough shift, TK and Carlos spend the evening together and TK comes to a heartbreaking realisation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I just want to thank everyone for your comments and kudos, I really does me a lot to me!
> 
> So this fic is just Tarlos and TK dealing with the events of the day so I hope you guys enjoy

TK walked down the stairs into the large lot below. The room was empty, the others resting before their long shifts ahead. His dad was in his office up top, but TK didn’t go up to say goodbye, he just wanted to leave, to get out of this place and clear his head. As he was walking through the lot, TK noticed some equipment and bags on the table; one of the team members were checking the supplies, as TK walked past the stuff he froze. It was like someone had reached up from the ground and grabbed his feet, keeping him in place. On the table amongst all the bandages, gloves, a mask was a small orange bottle. The hands released him, and TK walked over to the table, his eyes never leaving the bottle. TK felt his stomach flip and then clench, his body begging to tremble. He carefully reached out and grasped the bottle in his hand, and TK could have sworn, and warm feeling washed over his body.

“Hey” TK instantly dropped the bottle like it was made of fire, the bottle clattering on the table. He turned around to see Carlos walking into the lot “Didn’t mean to scare you” He joked, a warm smile on his face. TK pushed himself away from the table towards Carlos, who gave a broad smile as TK approached. He reached out and took the bag from TK, placing a small kiss on his lips. Carlos started to walk towards, and car and TK followed, casting a glance over his shoulder, his eyes following the little bottle as it rolled back and fore on the table. The pair walked out towards the car and drove home. Carlos seemed to sense something was going on with TK because he didn’t try to get him to talk much. Usually, their car rides were full of blasting the radio, laughing, talking but this time they just sat in comfortable silence. At the same time, TK tried to calm his body and mind down. TK could still feel his heart beating quick, too quick. He fidgeted in his seat, moving around and pulling the string of his hoodie. Once they arrived in the house the pair walked in, Carlos walked into the bedroom and placed TK's bag onto the floor, TK followed behind him and walked over to the bed and slowly lowered himself onto the edge, his foot tapping the floor below.

“So, you wanna talk about what happened?” Carlos kept his distances, trying to give TK some room, which he appreciated.

“What do you mean?” TK asked, his hands gripped in front of him.

“I mean you came home from your shift early” TK wasn’t looking, but he could tell Carlos was walking towards him “I can tell that wasn’t your choice.”

TK looked up to see Carlos was stood closer to him, his arms crossed over his chest. “My dad sent me home” TK hated how much of a child he sounded right now, like a little boy that had been sent home from school.

Carlos uncrossed his arms, a worried look on his face. “Why?”

TK shifted his hands in front of him, reaching one up to rub his forehead. “We had a fire call today” TK reached his hand back down, leaning on his elbows “and I went along.”

“You said you weren’t doing jobs!” Carlos came towards TK, crouching in front of him, his hands resting on TK’s knees.

TK shook his head. “I was just managing the crowd, but some guy ran into the fire I…I couldn’t just leave him, I had to do something.”

Carlos face softened, “I know you just want to do your job but- “

TK suddenly got up from the bed, both his hands thrown out to the side, moving away from TK “Yeah I know I can’t do it!” TK yelled, his lungs protesting the action.

Carlos gave TK a confused looked, stepping closer to him, “I never said that-”

TK gave a sad laugh, his hand rubbing the back of his neck “That’s what you meant though right? TK’s can’t handle the job” TK knew he was unfair, Carlos was just trying to comfort him, but TK didn’t want to be comforted.

Carlos stopped walking in his tracks, tilting his head to the side. “Are you sure there isn’t something else going on TK?” TK turned around back towards to Carlos, what was going on TK thought, his mind was so overwhelmed right now that he couldn’t keep any thought straight. If TK was honest as soon, Carlos had asked the question the answer had managed to crawl and kick its way to the top, erupting in his mind like an explosion.

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” TK called back, “I-I mean does everyone think that I’m that weak? That I’m just some kid that can’t look after himself” TK’s chest was rising hard, his body beginning to shake again.

“Woah Woah tiger calm down” Carlos soothed, slowly walking over to TK whose body had completed tensed up. TK backed away from him and walked back over to the bed and sunk on to it, his head hanging, he was being a dick, and he knew it. “I just…” TK looked up at Carlos; the man was stood in front of him, a face that said he just wanted to help. Still, TK knew that wasn’t possible, and if it was possible TK’s heart broke for him, TK had seen that face on others, people that just wanted to help TK but he knew they couldn’t, TK was alone in this fight. “I just **hate** not being to do my job,” He said softly.

Carlos walked over and sat next to him, placing his hand on TK’s knee. “I know, and I’m sorry” TK gave a small smile, resting his head on Carlo’s shoulder, for a brief second TK thought things would be okay. Since the solar fare and the conversation, they had on the roof of the car things had been good between the two, Carlos had let TK take it slow, setting the pace.

“Urgh I’m sorry I’m such a self-absorbed ass right now” TK sighed, falling back onto the bed and looking up at the ceiling, his arms failing out above him.

“No, you’re not” Carlos reassured turning to look at TK on the bed.

“Yeah I am all you were just trying to help, and all I did was yell at you like a dick” TK pushed himself up on the bed, sitting next to Carlos again, his shoulder slumped. He had been so wrapped up in his bullshit that he didn’t even take the time to ask Carlos who had been there for him for the last two weeks how he was doing. “I’m just-there’s just so much going on in my head right, and I guess I’m not dealing with it the best. “

Carlos gave a sympathetic smile, wrapping his arm around TK’s shoulder, causing TK to put his head on Carlo's shoulder again. “You’ve been through a lot TK, and it’s okay to be struggling with it” TK pushed himself off the bed, wrapping his fingers around his hair again his brow furrowed.

“I’m tired of struggling, I just…” TK let his head fall backwards, his hands on his hips. TK brought his head up, looking at Carlos, he didn’t even know how to finish that sentence, he was tired of struggling, so tired, but what could he do? Carlos got up from the bed, walking over to TK and taking both his hands.

“Look, why don’t we have some food, and then you can get some rest” Carlos reached up and smoothed TK’s hair back, his hand coming to rest on his cheek “Give you mind a rest”.

TK gave a light smile, and then a small frown appeared on his face “You haven’t eaten yet?” Carlos always enjoyed eating early when he wasn’t on shift.

“I was waiting for you,” Carlos said like it was the most obvious thing. TK, for the first time in a while, gave a real smile. TK took a step closer to Carlos, kissing him before wrapping his arms around his shoulder, holding him in a hug and for the moment it was just them and nothing else going on. Maybe thing would be okay, It might take some time, but maybe there was a chance.

The pair parted, and Carlos walked over to the kitchen to start on dinner, TK lead down on the bed, his body aching for rest. TK tried to sleep before dinner but couldn’t, every time we started to drift off something would burn, hurt, or a sharp pain would wake him and if he was lucky enough to escape that other things would keep him up, thoughts, questions, aches for other things. Eventually, food was ready, and TK had gotten no sleep. The pair sat at the table, the food smelled delicious and looked it, However, as Tk looked down at the food, and his stomach rumbled he just couldn’t bring himself to eat anything. He pushed some of the food around, ate some pieces of salmon, but that was all he could muster, constant nausea feeling TK had in his stomach was still there. “Everything okay?” Carlos asked, noticing TK pushing his food around like a kid.

TK frowned, knowing how much effort Carlos had put into the meal. “Yeah, yeah sorry I’m just…” TK couldn’t find the words.

“It’s okay” Carlos reached across the table and squeezed TK’s hand “Why don’t you try and get some rest? I’ll clean up.” Carlos was understanding, too understanding. TK smiled at Carlos, who got up from the table and started moving plates. TK felt his head throb again, his body getting warm, but he could already feel the shakes beginning again. TK rested his elbows on the TK, his hands reaching up to massage his temples. “TK…” TK looked up to see Carlos stood on the other side of the table, his face a wash of concern. TK just shook his head, looking down at the table. He heard Carlos walk over and sit in a chair next to him, leaning forward.

TK waved his hand, dismissively. “I’m okay; I just guess today took a little more out of me than I realised”. That had to be it, TK thought. His body was just struggling with everything, and that was affecting TK’s mind.

Carlos frowned “You sure you don’t need to go to the hospital” He reached his hand out and placed it on TK’s forehead before TK could pull away “You’re burning up,” Carlos said, “And shaking.”

TK looked down to see his hands trembling, TK pulled the sleeves down on his hoodie, wrapping his arms around himself. “It’ s-its fine, I think my body’s just in shock or something.”

Carlos seemed to think for a moment, and TK could see from the look on his face he shouldn’t have said the word ‘shock’ “Maybe I should call Michelle and sh-“Carlos stood up and started heading towards his phone.

“No, no” TK followed and stepped in front of Carlos, his trembling hands against Carlos’s chest “Please just don’t.”

Carlos shook his head. “I’m worried about you, TK.”

TK closed his eyes, how was he already screwing things up. TK didn’t want Carlos to worry, and he didn’t want to put him through what he’d put his dad through, his mom, even Alex. Carlos, deserved better than that. “I’m sorry” TK sighed.

Carlos took a deep breath, looking TK right in the eyes. “I don’t want you to apologies to me” Tk pulled his hands away from Carlo's chest, wrapping them around himself. “I-I want you to take care of yourself, or let those around you help” TK looked away for a moment, unsure what to do or say, when he looked back Carlos was still looking at him, his whiskey brown eyes unmoving “Let me help” TK kept Carlos stare, and nodded. If he was honest, he wasn’t sure what Carlos could do, what any of them could do but TK didn’t want to disappoint Carlos any more than he already had. Carlos gave a smile and pulled TK into a hug, kissing him on the cheek. As they parted TK could fell, his eyes were heavy, and his body felt like it was shutting down. “Why don’t we get some rest?” Carlos asked, seemingly picking up on TK’s tiredness. TK mustered a nod, he walked over to his bag and unzipped it, pulling out his things; t-shirt, trousers and towel and repacking It for the next day and placing it by the door. TK took his jeans and t-shirt off, throwing them on top of his bag, before walking over to the bed and sliding in.

TK laid in the bed, looking up at the ceiling. His body felt tired, his chest, stomach, legs, arms and everything else ached, and he just wanted to sleep. Maybe that meant that TK would sleep tonight, perhaps the tiredness would take TK, and he would get some rest. TK felt Carlos get into the bed next to him, Carlos reached over and took TK’s hand, like TK had done on that roof of the car on the night of the flare. TK looked over, and Carlos gave a reassuring smile, squeezing his hand. “Get some rest, you’ll feel better tomorrow” Carlos whispered in the bed, reaching over to turn the lap off on the bedside table. The room was dark, with only the light from the hallway giving a soft glow, and TK was glad. With the room dark, Carlos couldn’t see the uncertainty on TK’s face.

TK felt a wave of nausea in his stomach not from sickness or shock, this time from realisation. A realisation; if he was honest with himself, he’d known along but one he didn’t recognise until he’d seen those pills on the table.

_You’ll feel better tomorrow._

At that moment he knew that wouldn’t be true, tomorrow wouldn’t be better because TK knew precisely what he would’ve done if Carlos hadn’t walked in, what he would’ve done if he was left alone with those pills. He knew it the moment he picked those pills up and felt that familiar warm feeling course through his system. The nausea feeling in his stomach thickened, as did the lump in his throat. TK tried to reply what Carlos had said over and over in his head, but the words just got drowned out, it was like the realisation had unlocked pandora box and now he couldn't close it. In that box was something TK thought he left behind in New York, something he thought was over. As TK laid in bed, he wasn't thinking about his job which he loved, the new family he had gained, the father he admired or the caring man next to him who he was willing to risk heartbreak for. Instead, as he laid in the dark, all TK's mind was thinking about what that little orange bottle and what it contained inside.


	4. Little Orange Bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TK struggles to get through the day, his mind only able to focus on the little bottle, will TK be able to make it through without falling into old habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long, Uni work has been a pain lately but I hope you guys enjoy! Thank you for all your support!
> 
> -AJ🖤

TK blinked as he looked up at the ceiling, the once darken room slowly starting to fill with light, it creeps behind the curtain before spilling into the room and covering the walls and the roof. TK rolled over in the bed to face Carlos, who was still asleep. He looked so peaceful, his chest rising slowly as TK watched. TK wasn’t sure how long he’d been awake or how’d long he’d slept for; not long that was for sure. TK’s mind had been a disarray of thoughts, his mind not being able to land on a single one for longer than a minute before his mind went back to those pills. TK shifted in the bed again trying to push the thought away behind a door, his mind working hard to keep that door closed but since TK had opened it last night it had been swinging open keeping him awake. As on cue, Carlos shifted in the bed as well, his eyes slowly blinking open.

“Mornin” Carlos yawned.

“Morning” TK replied, his voice quiet.

Carlos rolled over in the bed to look at his phone, his eyes squinting against the phones light "It's only 6 am, you're up early?” Carlos was right, TK’s shift today didn’t start till later, around mid-day “Did you get much sleep?” Carlos asked, rolling back over to look at TK.

“yeah” TK instantly replied. It was a lie, TK probably slept a few hours, maybe around 3 or 4, not nearly enough.

Carlos reached over, moving TK’s bed hair away from his face. "How are you feeling."

“Good” Another lie. “I’m okay, I just needed some rest” TK gave a quick smile, trying to reassure Carlos.

Carlos smiled back, his hand still embracing TK’s face. "Well, I'm going to jump in the shower” Carlos had an early shift today which meant TK would have the morning to himself, Tk felt a stirring in his stomach at the thought of being alone. “Try and get some more sleep in before your shift” With that Carlos placed a quick kiss on TK’s lip before heading towards the showers. TK didn’t move from the bed, maybe if he stayed here, he'd be okay, possibly if he didn't get out of the bed things would be the same.

_You’ll be okay tomorrow_. 

TK knew last night that wouldn’t be the case, but there was still some part of him that thought maybe he’d wake up and he’d be okay. That the longing in his stomach would be going, the aches, the shivers would have disappeared, and the little orange bottle wouldn’t be the front and centre in his mind. The few hours TK slept last night weren't peaceful, his chest hurt, his head ached, and every time he woke up, the first thing on his mind was that bottle. TK rolled over in the bed again, reaching up to push his hair back, tugging at the ends. He didn’t need that bottle he kept telling himself, his body was just reacting to the chemicals they gave him at the hospital, it was nothing. He just needed to distract himself until the feeling passes, this wasn’t withdrawal TK told himself, it couldn’t be; he wasn’t that weak.

The thought process kept going around and around in TK's mind; he wasn't sure how long he'd been led in the bed for. TK pushed the covers off himself and got up from the bed. As he stood, his legs felt weak, he stood for a moment to collect himself. He just needed some coffee he thought. TK made his way to the kitchen, grabbing a mug for himself and Carlos. He just needed to get to work, needed to do something. TK poured the coffee, placing the cups on the table. TK sat down, taking some sips of his still boiling coffee. He just needed some energy.

“Hey” Carlos walked into the kitchen in his uniform, "I thought you were going to sleep more?” He asked, stopping by the table.

"I wasn't tried," TK said, how many lies had he told this morning? TK wrapped his hand around the coffee cup, trying to warm his body.

He smiled at TK, taking a seat opposite him. “Look I don’t want to keep on but you sure your good to go back to work today?”

TK could see that Carlos was nervous when asking this, he had that look on his face. TK felt guilt growing in his chest. TK was why he was nervous; the way TK had bit his head off yesterday when he was just trying to help. “I’ll be okay, my dad will make sure I stay in line and don’t get into trouble” TK tried to joke, to try to lighten the mood. Carlos gave a slight laugh, nodding his head. TK reached over and placed his hand on Carlos “I’ll be careful, I promise” That seemed to comfort Carlos, who gave a sigh of relief, sipping his coffee.

TK reached back over the table to cup his coffee, the warmth of the drink coursing through his body. Carlos finished his drink, placing it on the table. "You sure you’re going to be okay here alone before your shift?”

Tk gave a small sigh, tilting his head to the side. “It’s your apartment Carlos, how much trouble can I get into” It was meant to be a joke, but TK could have sworn he saw Carlos actually thinking about the question. “You’re going to be late for your shift, go” TK playfully said.

Carlos smirked back, standing up from the table. “I know you’re working a late shift today but if you want to come back here after, just let me know okay-” Before TK could say anything, Carols held his hand up. “Actually” With that Carlos walked back into his room, reappearing a few seconds later walking back over to the table. “Now don’t panic I’m not asking you to move in but, if you wanna come by after your shift, you can use this” Carlos placed a single key on the table sliding it over to TK. He kept his eyes on it, looking up to see an unsure Carlos.

TK reached out and took the key, holding it in his hand. TK rolled the key over in his hand, a small smile on his face, “Thank you” He quietly said. For the first time today that little pill bottle wasn’t in front of his mind, the small silver key having replaced it.

Carlos grabbed his jacket from the side and pulled it on, walking over to the table to take the empty mugs and place them in the sink, turning around to face TK who was still sat down. “If you ever wanna come by or want to chat, now you can” Carlos had such a warm smile on his face, his brown eyes being caught by the light from the window.

Carlos reached down and placed a kiss on TK's lips before heading towards the door before Carlos was too far, TK grabbed his hand, stopping him from leaving. Carlos turned around a small frown on his face. Tk shifted on his feet, looking down at the floor. “Look I know I haven’t been the easiest to deal with lately but I uhh” TK cleared his throat struggling with his words. “I really appreciate this” He motioned to the key on the table. TK meant it when he’d sat on the car with Carlos, he’d promised he was going to try better, try and actually be a boyfriend but he seemed to be failing, his mind too wrapped up in his problems.

Carlos gripped TK’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “We’re going to get through this, you know that?”

There was such hopefulness on Carlos's face, that signature kind smile. As quickly as the key had appeared It was gone, pulled back into the darkness and silenced, the orange bottle has clawed its way back to the front, its grip tighter than ever before. “I know” He replied. TK couldn’t believe how easy it had become to lie to Carlos and to himself. Carlos gave TK a kiss before heading out the door, once the front door closed behind Carlos TK let out a large breath, his shoulders relaxing. TK slumped back down into the chair, his hands coming up to run through his hair before he rests his head in his hands. Now that Carlos was gone TK had no distractions, his mind couldn’t focus on Carlos and his smile.

The little orange bottle.

TK dropped his hands from his head, standing up from the chair. This was just a minor problem he told himself, his mind and body were just tired, and wanted to sleep, that was all. As TK stood in the house, his body began to shake again, sweat building on his forehead. A shower, that’s what he needed. He jumped in the shower and quickly got ready, packing his bag again. TK came back out into the living room, the bag over his shoulder. TK checked his watch; 9am. TK’s shift didn’t start until 1pm, he dropped his bag to the floor. His hands fidgeting, TK pulled his phone out of his pocket and rang his dad.

His dad picked up immediately “TK? Everything alright”

Of course, his dad was worried about him “Yeah, Yeah I’m feeling better” TK quickly said. “Listen I was thinking about coming into work early today, finish some of my paperwork, help around the station, no calls or anything” TK was trying to make it seem as relaxed as possible.

“You don’t want some extra time to rest? You shift isn’t till 1pm” His dad replied, the concern evident in his voice.

“No, no I slept a lot last night, I’ll stay out of trouble okay?” TK swiftly said, trying to reassure his dad he was okay, that everything was normal. 

There was a pause, his father clearly thinking it over. TK clenched his hands, trying to steady them. “Okay, do you want me to pick-“

TK interrupted, shaking his head. “I can drive in, I’ll see you soon” TK clicked the phone off, placing it back into his trousers, TK reached down to grab the bag, pausing his shoulder twinge, causing TK to drop the bag. After a moment or two TK careful reached down and grabbed the bag heading towards the door. TK locked up with the key and headed into work.

TK pulled up and parked his car, grabbing his bag from the back seat and heading towards the station door. As TK walked in, his head turned to the little table, the one he saw the day before. It was empty. TK felt his stomach drop, his sick feeling in his stomach rearing its head. He could hear the rest of the team in the kitchen talking. He headed up the stairs and placed his bag into his locker, pausing for a moment. TK had felt tired before; the nights he’d stayed up revising for his fireman test; long shifts back in New York, those first few nights at rehab that one time but this felt different. His mind, his body it all felt tired but any time he tried to sleep, he couldn’t, a few hours here and there maybe, but that was it. TK rested his head on the locker, trying to take some deep breaths to wake himself up. His body was shaking, his hands were clammy, the nauseating feeling in his stomach was still there and increasing. TK managed to push himself up off the locker, walking back down the stairs towards the kitchen.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Marjan said as TK walked into the kitchen.

The rest of the group who were gathered around the island turned to look at TK. "Yeah, your shift doesn't start till 1?” Paul said,

“Yeah, I thought I’d come in and just finish some paperwork, sort some stuff out," TK said, pulling water out of the fridge, the cold air from the refrigerator hitting TK’s face.

“Instead of getting some more sleep?” Mateo joked, giving TK a playful smile.

“I’ve slept enough," TK said, feeling like he was repeating himself.

TK came and rested on the island like the others, “So how you are feeling after yesterday, that was pretty crazy what you did” Marjan said, sipping her coffee.

“Pretty crazy?” Paul scoffed “You were lucky the whole damn building didn’t come down on you” He joked, with some seriousness behind it.

“I’m fine guys” Tk sighed.

“You look kinda ill dude, you got the flu or something?” Mateo spoke. TK looked up to see the rest of the crew looking at him, watching him.

TK could feel his anxiety growing in his stomach, why was everyone asking him questions, why couldn’t they just leave him alone? “It’s nothing probie” TK sighed, “I’m fine just a little tired."

"I thought you said you slept enough," Paul asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

TK put the water down harshly on the table. “When did this become an interrogation?” He bit.

The group looked a little taken aback by TK’s abruptness. TK felt that familiar pang of guilt in his chest, why was he like this? They were just trying to help and make sure he was okay, and here he was acting like a child. “We’re just looking out for you man."

TK sighed, resting his hands on the island, shaking his head slightly. TK should have just stayed at home till his shift had started. “Yeah well unless anyone has any more questions I’m going to go work out” TK grabbed his bottle and headed upstairs, not looking back at the rest of the crew.

TK walked into the empty locker room, quickly getting changed into his workout clothes. TK walked over the machines and started working out, his chest and arm protesting, but TK ignored it. TK walked over to the treadmill and started running, after a while, TK turned the speed and incline up. TK could feel his chest tightening; he pushed harder; his breath was catching in his throat. TK felt the sweat dripping down his face, he closed his eyes, picking his speed up. He could feel his pendent hammering against his chest, his heartbeat sometimes syncing up with the noise. TK tried to take a breath in, and there was a dull pain in his chest, he stumbled on the treadmill, falling backwards, he reached out, tried to grab the side and toppled to the floor.

TK pushed himself off the floor and leant against the wall by the treadmill. TK's head rolled back and hit the wall behind him, there was a ringing in his ear or a dull hum he couldn't work it out. TK blinked, his eyes not fixing on anything. TK’s head fell back down, the hum or ringing started to subside, and his eyes began to settle again. TK worked to push himself off the floor, grabbing the side of the treadmill and pulling himself up. TK staggered forward for a moment before steadying himself.

"You okay son?" TK looked around to see his dad walking into the room, that frown on his face which seemed to be a permeant fixture lately. 

TK nodded, trying to quickly catch his breath so he would be able to speak. “Just went a little hard on the treadmill” TK walked over to the benches and grabbed his towel, wiping his forehead.

Owen followed him, to the bench close behind. “Should you be working out?”

"Doctor said it's okay" TK breathed hard, putting the towel back onto the bench, leaning his hands on his knees, trying to steady the shaking that had begun.

“Yeah but –“

TK quickly stood up and walked past his dad "Dad, don't, I'm fine!" The irritation was evident in TK's voice, his head had begun to throb again, and he didn’t want to argue with his dad right now, it was all they were doing lately.

Owen walked behind TK, it seemed like wherever TK went, there was someone close behind him, following him. “I'm just looking out for you okay, you're my kid."

TK spun on his heels "Yeah, but I'm not **a kid** , you don’t have to baby me like I’m an idiot."

His dad crossed his arms over his chest, sighing. "I don't think you're an idiot."

The way his father had said that irked TK, like his dad, had wanted to say more but didn't “But?” He asked, his dad paused, opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again, TK took a step closer, throwing his arms out to the side. “What?”

Owen sighed again, a small cough escaping. He shook his head. “Yesterday at that fire you could have gotten yourself killed-”

TK couldn’t believe they were having this conversation again, at the moment it felt like every day was the same, the next day just slightly worse than the one before. “I already told you-“

“Yeah you were trying to save that guy, it was a rash decision” His dad emphasised the last part of the sentences, clearly trying to prove a point.

“That saved his life!" TK felt his chest tightening, but this time it wasn't from the injury or anything else, why didn’t they understand that TK was just doing his job, doing what he was trained to do. “I don’t understand I’ve watched you do the same thing-“

“I didn’t have a bullet wound in my chest or been in a coma less than two weeks ago” Owens voiced betrayed the slightest hint of annoyance, even he was tired of having the same conversation.

“How does that have anything to do with working out?” TK groaned, not understanding how they got onto this conversation from a talk about working out.

Owen thought his words over carefully “I just want you to take care of yourself okay” TK went to say something when the alarm interrupted him. Owen and TK started to head towards the door when Owen turned around, placing a hand on his sons’ chest. “Where are you going?”

For a moment, TK was confused then the realisation hit him, he shook his head, trying to push past his dad, who was an unmoving barrier. “Come on you don’t even know what the call is?!”

“I don’t care-“Owen called, TK ignored him and tried to walk past again, “You said you wouldn’t go on any calls today!”

“I’ll hang back, give water out or something okay just don’t leave me here-“TK winced at how childish he sounded right now, but the thought of being alone in this firehouse caused his breathing to quicken and the sickening feeling in his chest to grow. “You said that last time and you didn’t-“The alarm continued to call, and TK could hear the rest of the crew calling for Owen downstairs. Owen quickly ran down them, and TK followed behind. The crew were pulling on their jackets and grabbing their equipment. “I rested; I-I get it I messed up yesterday okay I promise it won’t happen today.” Owen turned around clearly surprised to see TK had followed him. Owen shook his head and turned away from to head to the truck, TK felt his patients break “At work you’re my captain, **not** my dad, you can’t keep me on the bench because of personal reason-“

Owen turned around, a serious look on his face that told TK his father’s patients had officially been worn out. “As your captain, I'm telling you, you’re impulsive, and right now you wanna prove that you are fine, but you're not, and that stubbornness is going to get you or someone else killed."

TK just stood there looking at him as the harsh truth about why his father didn’t want him to go on the call hit him. “You don’t trust me?” His father didn't have to reply, the look in his eyes was enough of an answer for TK. With a finale remorseful looked he headed towards the truck. TK didn't move from his spot, he stood there for a moment with clenched hands. The alarm quieted, and silence settled over the house as the trucks pulled back.

TK noticed his vision had gone somewhat blurry again, he blinked a few times and things cleared. His dad didn’t trust him. TK and his father had always had some issues with trust, but he thought they’d worked through that, gotten over it. Owen use to trust TK unequivocally, never questioned him, then one-night TK told his father he was going to study with a friend and ended up in the ER from an accidental overdose, and things had never quite been the same since. TK had spent years earning that trust back, maybe that relapse in New York had done more damage than TK had thought.

TK was stood alone in the firehouse. This time he couldn’t run to work or talk to Carlos to distract himself, it was just his thoughts.

TK turned around and headed up to the break room, grabbing some paperwork as he went, something to keep him occupied. TK looked down at the reports, trying to focus his mind, keeping it centred on the writing below him. TK tried reading the first line of the report, but halfway through his stomach would cramp, or his head would throb. TK reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone and headphone, plugging them in. TK picked a random song and turned the volume up as loud as he could, TK placed the earbuds in and picked up his pen.

The music was almost deafening, too loud to be enjoyed and causing his head to ache to increase, he tried to focus on his headache to centre herself. TK picked up the pen again and started to try and write his report, TK found his leg begin to bounce up and down, his shoulder stinging and his chest throbbing. TK felt his head throbbing, he put the pen down on the table and reached up to rub the temple of his head, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened his eyes, the words on the page looked less clear, his vision blurring. TK sighed harshly, he was so fed up. He just wanted this to stop, to be okay. TK's leg bounced harder, and he clenched his pen tighter, once again trying to write a sentence. He got halfway through when the cramping feeling heightened, TK stopped for a moment clenching his teeth. TK leaned back on the chair and looked up at the ceiling, maybe his dad was right, he couldn't even write one sentence of a fucking report without having to have a break. TK gave a dry laugh, shaking his head, how pathetic was he.

TK launched the pen in his hand across the room, the pen hitting the wall and rolling onto the floor. TK breathed heavy, his lower lip quivering slightly, TK bites his lip to stop it.

TK heard a noise coming up to stairs, he looked around to see Michelle walking into a room, a green medical bag with her. TK pulled his headphone out, still being able to hear his music, he quickly pressed paused when Michelle spoke. “Hey TK” She softly spoke, sitting on the table opposite him. TK smiled back at her, “Where’s everyone else, on a call?”

TK felt the smile fall from his face, he looked down at the reports again, trying to stop his mind flying back to that conversation with his dad. "Yeah just left," he said, trying to keep his voice as stoic as he could.

“How are you doing, shoulder healing?” She asked, unzipping the bag and pulling a chart out onto the table.

TK nodded, biting the inside of his cheek. "Yeah, it's fine" TK knew he was abrupt but he'd had this conversation so many times, and his head was starting to hurt again, he gripped the pen tighter to steady his hands., his palms feeling clammy.

Michelle gave a warm smile, nodding a little. “That’s good to hear” She started taking something out of her bag; bandages, tape and some scissors. “Everyone is thrilled to have you back, especially your dad, he missed you a lot" TK gave a small huff, a little sarcastic smile on his face, TK went to reply, looking at over at Michelle when he felt a sudden chill run down his body. Michelle had pulled several things out of her bag, next to some plasters, and an oxygen mask was a small orange bottle of pills. Every other thought in TK’s mind was wretched into the darkness, TK’s eyes didn’t move from the bottle, his hand suddenly went steady, the cold child subsided. TK swallowed the lump that was in his throat, TK licked his lips which had dried out. TK felt a hand on his shoulder, he jerked his eyes away from the pills to see Michelle crouched in front of him “You okay?” the concern was evident in her face, her eyebrows pulled together.

“Umm” TK found his voice was stuck in his throat, he gave a small cough and found his breath had quickened, TK tried to take a deep breath and slow his breathing, but it was like it was running away from him. The ever-present sickness that had been in TK’s stomach grew, crawling its way up to his throat, he felt like someone had lit a fire in the room, his body felt scorching. TK felt his eyes being pull from Michelle and back to the pills.

_They could stop this._

TK squeezed his eyes shut, thinking that would stop the thought.

“TK you look pale, are you okay?” Michelle was now closer to his face; her eyes were scanning his body and face, Michelle reached out and placed her hand on TK's arm, TK flinches back. “TK, I think you might have a fever, that could be a sign of an infection” If TK was honest, he wished he had a fever, that he could just take some antibiotics and this would go away in a week, but that wasn’t the case. This wasn’t going away, TK didn't know when the end was when the sweating, nausea and fever would stop, how bad it would get. TK felt his stomach cramp, he curled into himself a bit, biting his lip. “I’m going to grab a thermometer from downstairs okay, you could have an infection” Michelle gave a quick reassuring smile and swiftly left the room.

As soon as he was alone, TK stood up, his arms were wrapped around his stomach. TK paced in circles for a bit, every so often pausing when a cramp was too much, TK walked past the green bag and stopped. TK kept his eyes closed, scared to open them. Eventually, he gradually opened his eyes, sat below him was the small bottle, it somehow looked more in focus than everything else. TK cautiously unwrapped his arms from his stomach, he reached out one hand towards the bottle, his hand paused over the bottle, this was it. TK knew what would happen if he touched that bottle, he’d seen this story so many times, sometimes the journey was different, but the ending was always the same.

_Maybe this time would be different._

TK carefully rolled the bottle over, not picking it up from the table.

**Morphine**

Once TK saw that the rest of the writing on the bottle was a blur, measurements and instructions were gone. TK kept his hand on the bottle, feeling that familiar pull. Inside TK's mind, it felt like someone was scraping against his skull, his whole head throbbing.

“I grabbed you some water as well” TK spun around to see Michelle walking into the room, a bottle of water in one hand and a thermometer in the other. TK kept his hands clasped behind his back, leaning on the table to keep himself steady. Michelle held the water bottle out in front of her. TK paused for a moment, before reaching a hand out to grab the bottle.

"Thank you" TK didn't attempt to open the bottle, instead of pushing himself off the table “Actually I think I just wore myself out exercising, was a dumb thing to do” TK tried to give a small smile, clenching the bottle in his hand. TK pulled his other hand from behind his back and shoved it into his pocket. Michelle stood in front of TK, her eyes racking over his body, just like his dad did.

Michelle took a step towards TK, who in turned stepped back. “TK-“

“Look don’t tell my dad, but I think I just pushed myself too much yesterday," TK said in a hushed tone "I’m just a bit worn down that’s all, I’m-I’m just going to lie down for a bit, thanks for the water” With that TK gave a finale golden smile and left the room. TK didn’t even bother to grab the paperwork he was doing; everything had been forgotten. TK entered the empty locker room, beelining to the lockers. TK finally reached his locker, leaning his head on the cold metal, providing some brief relief. TK shakily pushed himself off the locker and opened it. TK knelt down on wobbly legs and pulled out his back bag, TK reached down and unzipped. Cautiously TK reached into his pocket again, his things wrapped around the small cylinder object in his pocket, TK felt a little rush of warmth course through him. TK pulled the object out from his pocket, looking down at it. TK felt the shame start to rise up in his chest, before steeling in his stomach. TK carefully placed the bottle into his bag, its vibrant orange colour a stark contrast against the dark tones of his clothes.

He just wanted to stop the pain. That was all, he didn't want them, didn't need them. TK felt the familiar deja vu settle on him as he spoke. He'd said these words before, and every time he'd been so assured, so confident. Nevertheless, no matter how sure he was, it always ended the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your continued support and hope to bring the next chapter soon! 🖤


	5. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does TK finally reach his breaking point, making a choice he can't take back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting, this chapter took a little bit of time but hope you enjoy, after this chapter I believe there will be one more, hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> -AJ

TK sat in the break room, his foot bouncing up and down. His headphones in and turned up loud. TK had spent some time cleaning the truck, then some time working out and was now finishing his reports again. TK reached up and nubbed his head; a near-constant throbbing was occurring in his head. TK checked his watch; it had been a few hours since the truck had left, TK turned the page on his report and continued to fill it out, needing to focus his brain on something. TK felt a presence in the room; he looked up to see the crew starting to enter the room. They had been back for a little while, having changed out of their work gear. TK could see them smiling, their mouths moving as they were speaking to him. Reluctantly TK pulled his headphone out. "-I had it handled," Mateo said, coming to sit down at a table across TK.

"Of course you did probie," Judd laughed, patting him on the shoulder. Mateo shook his head, a small smile on his face. The rest of the crew came to sit down in the room, TK's leg began to bounce quicker, his grip on the pen tightening. 

Marjan sat down next to Mateo, leaning forward on the table. "Leave probie alone; he did good today." She smiled, nudging his shoulder.

"Good enough to not be called probie?" He asked, looking around the group.

Marjan tilted her head to the side, that signature wide smile on her face. "Let's not get carried away." She teased.

TK watched as the group teased Mateo, joking around and laughing. TK bites his bottom lip, pulling it between his teeth. It seemed like only a few days ago TK was joking with them, laughing and teasing the probie. And now TK couldn't feel more distant from them, like he wasn't even in the room but was somewhere else watching them. TK wanted nothing more than to laugh along and forget everything else going on in his mind. It was like there was a constant voice in his head, speaking over everything and everyone. TK noticed that everyone was looking at him, face knotted in concern. "Huh?" TK asked, unsure what he missed.

"I said since when do you do your paperwork early?" Paul teased, coming to stand next to TK.

TK looked at the stack of paperwork in front of him, it was true; usually, TK was the last one that wanted to do paperwork, but at the moment he just needed something to do, something to keep his mind preoccupied. TK put his pen down, leaning back on the chair. "Well, I didn't have anything else to do so thought why not." TK didn't mean for it to sound as bitter as it did but, from the uncomfortable silence that fell across the room, the team took it as a jab. TK sighed, he was such a dick, it wasn't their fault, he was the one that messed up and got himself in this situation. He sat forward on his chair, his shoulder protesting as he leant on the table, "How was the call?" He asked, trying to sound cheerful, it falls a bit flat.

Paul nodded, taking a seat on the sofa, grabbing a book. "Not too bad, besides probie almost getting crushed by a car."

Mateo tutted, shaking his head. "Don't listen to them man I had everything under control." Mateo gave a wide smile. TK felt the ever-present pit in his stomach grow. TK remembered what it was like to be the probie and how excited he was to be a New York fireman working with his dad. By the time he qualified, he'd been clean for around two years, not wanting to screw up his recruitment process. While only being about 6 years ago, it felt like a lifetime ago, like he was a different person. TK hadn't purposely OD'd yet, hadn't gotten his heartbroken, hadn't been shot. TK gave a small smile back to Mateo, he was a good kid, and TK hoped he'd make better decisions than TK had. "I'm sure you did," TK replied, nodding his head.

"What'd ya say TK, wanna game?" Paul asked, putting his book down and heading to the foosball, rubbing his hands together. TK felt a wave of nausea go over him, causing him to wrap his arms around his stomach, he couldn't wait for this to be over. 

"I'm good thanks, man." TK sighed, his body feeling exhausted. And even though he felt exhausted, he knew he wouldn't sleep tonight, like every other night this week. For a moment, TK's mind drifted back to his bag and the bottle in the bottom of it that could let him sleep.

"Alright, alright, why don't you guys go start on that truck," Judd called, looking at the rest of the crew. TK reached up and ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends if that could pull the every-present thought from his mind. The team nodded and flashed smiles at TK as they left, bantering as they went. Judd went to follow them but then closed the door, leaving just him and TK in the room. The closing of the door somehow made the room feel smaller, TK shifted in his seat, his hands fidgetting. Judd came and sat at the table with TK, across from him. TK looked down at his paperwork, not wanting to make eye contact.

Judd gave a slow sigh, leaning one arm on the table. "Look, I know you hate this situation, being benched but-"

TK sat forward in his chair, shaking his head, his arms still wrapped around his stomach. "I appreciate what you're trying to do-"

Judd held his hand up in the air. "Just hear me out, kid-"

"-I'm not a kid Judd, Okay I can look after myself." He bites back, reclining back into the chair as much as he could.

Judd took another deep breath, he turned in his chair to sit straight across from TK, his hands clasped in front of him. "When you and your dad first turned up, and he told me I couldn't come back to work, I was pissed." TK could already tell where this story was going, Judd had already told him it was okay to not be okay, TK wrapped his hands tighter around himself as another cramp crippled him. "I thought who is this city slicker telling me that I can't do my job, I thought I could look after myself."

"This isn't the same." TK pleaded, shaking his head, he didn't understand, none of them did.

"You're shaky, tense, just like I was after the accident." TK wanted to laugh, none of them had any idea. This wasn't PTSD, TK knew what that was like, he'd seen it, this was different. 

"I don't have PTSD Judd," TK said, leaning closer to the older man.

"Well somethings up, and until you deal with that-"

"I'm on the bench." TK interrupted, wanting this conversation to end. He could see the frustration on Judds. He understood it, he'd seen it on his father's face when he'd tried to convince TK to go to rehab, his boyfriends face as they sat up with TK trying to persuade him to get help. It was the kind of frustration that only came from trying to get someone to do something, when deep down, you know they never will. 

"It won't be like this forever TK." Judd sympathetically said, giving TK a nod. TK wanted to believe that, he did, but he didn't. TK had been through this before, and it never seemed to stop, unless he stopped it and he only knew of one way to do that. There was a knocking on the door, both men looked up to see Owen stood in the doorway. Judd gave TK a finale nod before leaving the room.

"That's a lot of paperwork," Owen said, coming into the room. TK didn't say anything, keeping his eyes on the paper below. He'd already had one conversation with Judd, and that was enough for him. Owen came to sit next to TK, "Listen, son about earlier I-"

"Yeah, I got the message you don't have to repeat it," TK said, grabbing his headphone to put it back in.

Owen reached out and placed his hand on TK's, stopping him from putting the earphone in "TK-"

TK dropped the headphone, pulling his hand away. "Look Judd came in and gave me the talk okay, I'm staying here and out of trouble." TK stood up from the table, walking away from his dad, turning his back. TK wasn't sure how much longer he could do this, having to be told by people everything will be okay, and he'd be alright when all the evidence proved the contrary. 

Owen stood up, keeping his distances from TK, a soft look on his face. "Son, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

TK pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. Unknowingly shaking his head slightly. Maybe his dad would understand, perhaps he could help. But then TK thought back to his father's face when he'd OD'd in New York or the time before that, and time before that. Every time his father looked more disappointed. If his dad knew what was going on with TK at the moment, there's no way he'd let him work, a thought that causes TK to wrap his arms tighter around himself. "I just wanna be left alone." TK slowly breathed.

Owen let his head fall slightly, clearly not the answer he was looking for. He crossed his arms over his chest. "TK, this isn't us, not talking-"

"What do you want me to say, dad!?" TK cried, feeling all the tension of the day starting to boil over. TK unwrapped his arms, throwing them out to the side. "Every time I say or do something, it's wrong! So why even try?" He breathed laboriously. Feeling the familiar lump in his throat.

Owen took a few steps back, clearly not expecting TK's reaction. He held his hands out, his voice was soft. "Why don't you stay with me tonight okay, we-we can talk and-"

"No." TK firmly said, if there was one thing he was sure of it was he didn't want to stay with his dad tonight.

TK could see the hurt flash across his fathers face, and TK felt the lump in his throat grow. This is what TK did, pushed everyone away until there was no one left. Owen tried to step closer, but TK backed away like an injured animal. "Son-"

"-I don't wanna be around you right now," TK admitted, turning away from his dad not wanting to see his face. He heard his dad sigh from behind him, TK clenched his trembling hands in front of him, trying to gain control of his breath. He could still feel his fathers presence behind him. 

"TK, I don't know whats going on right now, but whenever you wanna talk, I'm here okay," Owen had clearly stepped closer to TK, his voice louder. "And if not me, then talk to the crew, or Carlos okay, you're not alone." TK squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a few tears escape the corners of his eyes. Why did everything have to be so hard? TK kept his back to his dad; eventually, he heard Owen sigh and his foots steps as he left the room. Stayed still for a moment, not sure what to do. After a while, be turned back around, looking at the now empty room. TK wearily staggered over to his chair and slumped down in it, starting at the blank report in front of him. 

The rest of the day went slow, extremely slow. TK continued to fill out his reports, not sure if they were even right, he cleaned the truck every time it went out and back. He kept to himself, avoiding his dad and the crew at all cost. Now TK was sat in the break room again, watching as the clock counted down the last few seconds of his shift. Once the hand turned over, TK stood up, hastily heading towards the locker room. TK walked towards his locker, throwing open the door and crouching down to look at his bag. He paused for a moment, just staring at the bag. Then TK reached in and grabbed the gab, throwing it over his shoulder, holding the handle a little tighter than usual. He walked back down to the floor, the rest of the crew weren't there. TK was about to leave when his dad appeared from around the truck.

"You off?" He asked, trying to sound casual.

"Yeah, I'm staying with Carlos tonight, so I'll see you tomorrow." TK didn't even wait to hear what his dad had to say, he walked passed and headed towards his car, getting in. TK took a deep breath, sinking into his seat. He looked up at the roof, taking a breath. 

_ What was he doing _

TK looked around at the bag on the back seat. He reached around and unzipped it, pulling out the little orange bottle. He turned back around and looked at the pill bottle in his lap. As on cue, his head started to throb harder, his stomach-churning. TK dropped the pills in his stomach, reaching out to grasp the wheel. Without thinking, TK reached into his pocket, pulling his phone out and hitting speed dial 2. TK gave a thankful sigh when it went to voice mail. 

TK shifted in his seat, looking down at the pill bottle in his lap. "Hey Carlos, uhh it was a busy day today so I'mma stay later to finish off some work, don't wait up for me." TK quickly hung up the phone, clenching it in his hand. TK throw the phone to the seats behind him. Staying seated in his car, he leaned forward to rest his head on the wheel. Why couldn't this just be over, why couldn't he just feel okay again. 

_ There is a way to feel okay _ .

The thought invaded his mind before he could stop it. TK clenched the steering wheel harder. TK reached into his pocket and shoved his key into the ignition.

_ There is a way to stop this. _

TK drove out of the lot, he just needed to feel better, needed to level the playing field. If he could sleep if he could go a day without feeling sick or shaking. He just needed rest. That's all this was, he just needed to sleep, nothing more. TK pulled onto the street, not looking back.

Owen was stood in the lot, talking to Judd. He saw Judd's eyes follow something behind him, a small smile on his face. Owen turned around to see Carlos walking into the lot, a shy smile on his face. Owen nodded at Judd before walking towards to Carlos. "Carlos, how can I help you?" He reached out and shook the man's hand, using the other to clasp him on the shoulder.

"Captian Strand," Carlos said, retuning the shake. Owen had told the kid to call him Owen, but it still hadn't seemed to sink in, the kid was polite, Owen could see why TK was so drawn to him. "I just wanted to drop in and see how TK was doing." He nervously said.

Owen felt his body go rigid. "TK? He left about an hour ago, he said he was going back to yours?" Owen stammered, hoping that Carlos was just mistaken and hadn't gone home

Carlos frowned, "I've been home, and he hasn't been there?" Carlos said, the concern evident in his voice.

Owen swallowed hard, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, dialling his son. "TK, give me a call back please?" He left a message as TK didn't pick up. "He had a rough day today, maybe he just needs some space," Owen said, trying to rationalise what was happening. TK had done this before when he was struggling or overwhelmed, he'd just need some time alone. Carlos was about to say something when Michelle's voice interrupted.

"Hey, Owen?" She called, walking over. "Have you guys used any of the medicine bags from the truck?"

Owen shook his head, not really focusing on her but the location of his missing son. "No, why?"

She crossed her arms over her chest, "Well I did an inventory on the bag this morning, and now I'm checking and somethings missing, I thought maybe one of you guys used it?"

Owen felt a sense of dread wash over him, this was just a coincidence, he told himself. "What's missing?" He asked.

"Morphine, one bottle," Michelle replied. "It was there when I was talking to TK in the break room, but I can't find it now."

Owen felt the dread grip his lungs, stopping any air from exiting or entering his lungs. This wasn't happening "Did you leave him alone?" Owen hesitated, Michelle gave a confused face. "Did you leave TK alone with the bag?" He asked again, stepping closer towards her.

Michelle, uncrossed her arms, sensing this situation was serious. "Yeah, he looked ill, so I went to get him water, but when I got back he said he was fine and left, I packed up the bag and put it in the truck after that." As soon as Michelle finished, Owen felt his body go cold. He turned around to face Carlos, the man looked pale, his eyes wide. Carlos clearly had the same thought as Owen did. TK had the pills and was missing. Owen felt the same sickening feeling he'd felt when he'd been waiting outside TK's apartment in New York before he found him passed out on the floor. 

"We need to find him NOW," Owen called. He saw the crew coming back into the lot after their break. "Have any of you heard from TK?" Owen called, rushing towards them. 

The crew looked at each other, nodding no, "What's up Cap?" Marjan asked.

Owen looked around, not sure what to say or do. Maybe he was wrong, maybe TK just needed room. Any time he thought that he was pulled back to his conversation with TK today, the kid was shaken. And now pills were missing as well as his son. "TK's missing," Owen admitted, his voice catching in his throat.

"What, he was here a few hours ago? He'd had a rough day maybe he just needs some space." Judd said, crossing his arms.

Owen took a long breath, his voice wavering as he spoke. "And a bottle of pills from the medical bag; opioids." The crews face appeared to match that of his and Carlos.

"What do you need us to do," Paul said, a grave look on his face as he walked forward. He could hear Carlos leaving a voice mail behind him but couldn't make out the words his mind to jumbled. What did he need to do? What could he do? He needed to find his son and fast, but TK had a car and was possibly planning on doing something stupid, he could be anywhere. Owen felt his chest tighten again, flashes of TK unconscious on the floor in his apartment, his heart stopped. Owen couldn't go through that again, he couldn't lose his kid. 

TK sat, staring up at the sky, the sun had begun to set, making the sky a beautiful rose colour. TK ignored as his phone rang in his pocket, trying to focus on the beautiful sky. He sat upon the bonnet of his car, looking down into his lap where the pills sat. Once his phone stopped ringing, he reached into his pocket and pulled it out.

> **_ 1 Miss call from Dad _ **
> 
> **_ 1 Miss call from Carlos  _ **
> 
> **_ 2 Voice mails _ **

TK felt the guilt rising in his chest. He opened his phone, clicking the voice messages. " _ TK, give me a call back please? _ " He heard his dad speak, the worry evident in his voice. TK voice hovered over the next message key, not sure he wanted to listen to it. The message clicked over.

"TK, please give me a call back okay, I just wanna know you're okay and safe." TK felt himself relax for a moment hearing Carlos voice, he could hear his breath on the end of the phone. "You don't have to come home, but just ring me back and..." There was a pause on the other end of the phone, a shaky breath. "We can get through this TK, please,  ** please,  ** don't do something we can't undo okay, let me help tiger." TK squeezed his eyes together, tears flowing down the side of his face. The phone clicked off, and the message ended. TK breath hitched in his throat, finding it hard to breathe. TK dropped the phone on the bonnet, not caring if it was damaged. TK jumped off the hood, still clutching the pills in his hand. What was he doing? How had he already fucked up? TK felt his breath start to quicken, his heart hammering in his chest. TK felt like he was in the building again like the air was filled with smoke, and he couldn't breathe. TK began to sink to the ground in front of the car, grasping the pills to his chest. TK felt like he'd been reshot in the lung, nothing he was doing was helping, his chest was throbbing, his lungs burning. TK looked down at the little orange bottle, the small pills inside visible. TK slowly undid the lid of the container, looking down inside.

This is just to sleep, just to help him. He told himself, it was only this once, then everything would be okay again.


	6. On the Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TK finally talks about how he is feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so much for the feedback on the last fic, one more chapter to go after this I believe, maybe I'll so a follow series, or just continue this one; let me know if you guys have opinions!
> 
> -AJ💗

Tk looked inside the bottle of pills. It would be so easy, a couple of the tiny pills and TK could rest, get his energy back and then he'd be fine, he could go back to work and not have to think about this. He could take them now and stop; this didn't have to be like the other times, TK could stop. He just needed one, or two, and he'd be fine. TK could feel his phone ringing next to him; the constant vibration of the phone brought him back to reality. He looked over to the side; his breath still shaky and fast. 

> **_ Carlos Rayes is calling _ ** .

TK looked away, seeing his name caused a wave of guilt to almost choke him. Carlos deserved better, deserved someone that wasn't such a mess. Someone who wasn't currently sat in a field clutching a bottle of pills. TK looked over again at the phone, more miss calls and voice mails. TK closed his eyes, the open bottle of pills still in his hand, closer to his face.

Owen hung up the phone, looking down at it. He muttered some curse words under his breath, where was TK?

"Cap?" Judd asked Owen shook his head, indicating that TK still wasn't answering. 

Marjan stepped forward "Do we call the police? see if they can find him, track his phone or something?" She asked, looking at Carlos.

"I should've known something was up with the kid he's been off all week-" Judd started to ramble, slamming his first against the table in the lot. 

"Judd this isn't your fault," Owen said, stepping forward. It wasn't Judds fault or anyone on the crew. If anyone was to blame, it was himself. He'd seen TK in relapse before, he should have known something was up, should have pushed him for the truth earlier. 

"Has he done something like this before? Is there somewhere he might go?" Paul asked, trying to come up with an answer. 

"Uhhh, I mean normally he'd go to a friend or his...his dealer." Saying the word dealer made Owen feel sick, causing him to be brought back to a time he'd rather forget. Times when Owen got a call from an 18-year-old dealer to tell him TK had accidentally OD'd and was in the hospital, TK had promised him that would never happen again.

Carlos stood behind Owen, hearing him talk. Since turning up at the station, Carlos has had a constant sick feeling in his stomach. From learning that TK wasn't there, to learning the pills were missing. How had he missed this, he thought. He knew that TK was struggling, pulling away but he had put that down to stress, TK wanting to go back to work. He never thought it was this. Carlos was used to stressful situations like this at work, having trained himself to push emotions to the side, but this was different. All he could think about was TK somewhere alone with that bottle of pills. Carlos felt like he was in that hospital again when TK had been shot, just waiting around not being able to help. He became a cop to help, and now when someone he cared about, some he maybe even loved was in trouble, there wasn't a thing he could do. Carlos tried to think of anything that could help, something that TK might have said but Carlos came up empty. 

"I have no idea where he'd go here, somewhere private," Owen admitted, he wasn't at Carlos, and he wasn't at their house. Owen didn't know where else he could go in this town.

Somewhere private, Carlos thought. Where the hell could that be? TK barely knew the town, let alone the secret nooks and cracks the city had to offer, on the night of the solar flare Carlos had shown TK the lookout spot, one of the best places to look at the stars right on their doorstep. Carlos thought back to that night, where they'd parked that car and TK had admitted they were a good team. He walked towards Captain Strand. "Sir, I might know where he is." He said, still unsure but he had no other ideas. 

Owens face lite up slightly, a glint of hope in his eyes. "Okay, let's go, you guys stay here, we'll call you if we find him." He said to the rest of the crew, heading towards his car with Carlos.

TK was still seated on the floor, this time looking up at the sky. Some stars were appearing through the sky, like small specks of paint. TK then looked down at the pill bottle; his eyes began to mist over. Why couldn't of it just been like last time, where he took them and didn't think, didn't feel guilty for letting his family down. Every time he thought about taking them, he saw his fathers face, and Carlos and something stopped him, but then the cramps started, and the chills and he looked for the bottle again. TK didn't want to take them; he kept telling himself that, that's what was important. This was out of necessity, not want. TK pushed himself off the ground, careful to keep the bottle of pills upright in his hand. TK carefully placed them on the hood of his car, reaching down to grab his phone, sliding it into his pocket, not even bothering to look at the copious amount of miss calls he was sure he had. TK put his hands on the hood of the car, looking down at the pills. TK took a trembling breath, slowly reaching out and pouring some pills into his hand. TK had a high tolerance, higher than most. Tk placed the lid back on the bottle, slipping it into his pocket. He leaned on the bonnet of the car, looking down at the pills in his hands. TK brought his hand up to his mouth when he paused, hearing a noise behind him. TK slipped off the hood of the car, walking around to the side of the vehicle. In the distances, TK could see what looked like two figures walking towards him. TK stepped closer to them, his hand clenched around the pills in his hand.

"TK!" He heard his dad call. TK froze, his other hand clenching around nothing.

TK shook his head, stepping backwards, and his dad drew closer. "What, how did you..." TK looked and noticed the other figure; Carlos. TK felt his chest tighten like someone had pulled a rope around his lungs, cutting his airways off. How did Carlos work out where TK had gone.

Owen pulled his coat tighter around him, the cold air nipping at him. "Doesn't matter son, let's just go home okay." Owen had a small smile on his face.

TK felt his lip began to start to tremble. "I' m-I'm fine Dad. I need just need some space okay; I'll be home soon." He lied, hoping his dad would buy it and leave.

He watched as Carlos stepped closer as well, worry etched into his face. Carlos looked like he wanted to say something, his eyes never leaving TK. Owen came forward again, shaking his head. "I can't do that TK." TK felt his nervous spoke again, the rope tightening. "TK...I need you to hand over the pills."

TK reeled backwards, his hands coming up to his chest. "Wha-what are you talking about?" He stammered.

Owen sighed, "A bottle of Morphine is missing from the station."

TK tried his best to plaster his face with shook, "What and you think I took it?!" He replied he'd done this before. When TK wanted to relapse, there's nothing he wouldn't try. He'd lie and act until he got what he wanted; spoken like a true addict. 

Owen gave TK some space, standing still. "Son, it's okay, you've been through a lot, just hand them over." He quietly said.

TK racked his brian for another excuse, something that had worked before, something new. TK opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Eventually, TK felt his head shake side to side, "It's not like that dad okay, I-" TK took a deep breath, shutting his eyes for a moment, he opened them again and tried to steady his face and body, trying to look as natural as possible. "I just need to sleep okay; it's not like before." He said, his voice trembled, not providing the strong front he wanted.

"This isn't the way TK," His father said, taking a tentative step towards his son. "Look I get it-"

"No, you don't, no one does okay!" TK thundered, his voice carrying across the field. "It's like I have a constant voice in my heading telling me to do something I shouldn't do." TK stopped to take a breath, the last of his resolve crumbling away to the ground, almost taking him down as it went. "And as much as I try to fight it, I-I can't dad!" TK admitted, tears spilling over the edge of his eyes, causing the scene in front of him to go blurry. 

Owen took a few more steps forward, managing to get closer to TK, his son at about a two arm's length from him. "Yes you can son, okay, we've done this before." His dad sounded so sure and confident, that reassuring smile on his face.

TK swung his head side to side, the movement causing his head to ache even more. "My head is continuously throbbing, and I feel sick, and I can't eat, and I can't do my job when I'm like this, I can't think or do anything, I'm useless!" He broke, TK could feel the pills still clenched within his hand, how easy it would be to take them now, his father was far enough that he couldn't stop him. TK could believe how far his mind had gone, what had happened to not needing them?

"And you think taking these will help?" Owen asked, a look of disbelief on his face.

"I don't know; I don't know what else to do," TK said, his voice weak, the constant yelling taking its toll.

Owen edged forward again, holding his hands up. "Okay, that's okay, we can get through this TK." Owen took a moment to think; this was a precarious point. TK was balancing on the edge, and Owen didn't know what to say, not wanting to push him over but wanting to pull him back. "TK I know you think you can just take one or two of these just to help you sleep, but you and I know that won't happen okay."

"Because I'm weak-" TK said defensively, he already knew that he didn't need to be told that.

"No, no not because you're weak." His father clarified.

"I just want it to stop," TK whispered, feeling all the energy slipping from his body.

Owen nodded, once again stepping forward towards his son. This time TK didn't move, he didn't know what else to say. "TK; we are going to get through this, I promise you." Owen anxiously reached his hand out to wipe the tears away from his sons face. TK closed his eyes as his father held his hand on his face. 

"I'm so sorry dad," TK said, choking back tears. Owen wrapped his hand around the back of TK's head and pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him in a tight embrace. 

"It's okay son; it's going to be okay." Owen soothed, keeping his arms wrapped around his son. TK cried into his dad's shoulders, his arms coming up to wrap around his dad. After a moment, Owen carefully pulled away, gently holding on TK's forearms. "Open your hand son," TK looked down to see his hand was still clenched around the pills, having never let go. TK looked up to see his dad, looking at him, then he caught Carlos eyes, who was stood off to the side. He'd stepped closer but had given TK and his dad some space. TK could see some slight relief on Carlos's face, the remains of tear track's down his cheeks. Carlos gave a soft smile, mouthing 'It's okay.' towards TK. TK took a shallow breath, for the first time in a while even the tiniest part of TK believed it. TK looked down at his hand and slowly opened it to reveal the stark white pills in his hand. Just as TK opened his hand, Owen grabbed the pills and threw them to ground, TK couldn't help but watch as they hit the ground. "And the rest of them?" TK took a step back from his father, who was reluctant to let go of his son's arms. TK reached into his pocket and pulled out the container. He felt his hand clench harder around the bottle as he thought about having to give it up. "TK." His father softly said. Owen stepped towards TK again, who without even thinking stepped back, TK could see the hope that had built on his father face drop slightly.

"What am I going to do?" TK asked, unsure if he was looking for an actual answer or just thinking out loud.

"We'll work it out." Owen reinforced.

TK shook his head, waving his hand out in front of his, "Till when, till the next time I spiral out?"

"You don't know that's going it's going to happen again-"

"Yeah I do dad, I'm an addict!" TK yelled, feeling the frustration building again in his chest. "This is never going to stop; I'm always going to be on this constant edge of relapsing, so why bother trying to stop it!" TK had had this thought many times; he would be clean for so long then something would set him back; an injury at work, somethings happening at home, heartbreak. Every time TK relapsed, he felt like he lost a small part of himself.

"Then we will deal with that, and continue to deal with it for as long as it takes." Owen assured his son, coming closer to him again, "TK, you are so strong okay, I've seen you been clean for years." TK wanted to move away again, but he kept still, his dads warm and determined tone keeping him in place. "You've been through so much lately TK; this isn't happening because you're weak, you're hurting." His father emphasised the last part, trying to get his son to understand. Owen reached out and carefully wrapped his hand around the bottle of pills that were still held in his son's hand. "But this isn't going to stop you hurting; it's just going to numb it, kid." TK looked down at the bottle within his hand, noticing as a few tears fell onto his wrist. TK unclenched his fist, letting the pills fall into the palm of his father. Owen quickly shoved the pills into his back pocket. TK looked up to see Carlos walking closer to the pair; his face had softened. Owen looked behind him to see Carlos, he smiled at TK, reaching out smooth his son's cheek. "I'm going to start the car; I'll meet you, boys, there." TK could see his fathers reluctances to leave, him, his hand lingering on his sons face. Owen managed to pull himself away, heading back towards where their car was. TK kept his eyes on the floor for a moment, not wanting to look at Carlos. He could feel Carlos in front of him and finally had to pull his eyes up from the ground. As he did, Carlos came to stand in front of him, pausing for a moment before pulling him into a hug. TK reached his arms up, his hands clasping on the back of Carlos jacket. 

Carlos pulled back for a second, both his hands were caressing the side of TK's face, brushing away fresh tears that had fallen. Carlos shook his head; his voice was soft. "I'm sorry, I knew something was off and I-"

TK looked down to the ground, guilt building in him for making Carlos feel like he was too blame. "This isn't your fault, I'm sorry, I dragged you into my mess, and you don't deserve-"

Carlos leaned forward, resting his head against TK's. "Hey, how about you let me decide what I deserve, okay." Carlos moved his hands from the side of TK's face, coming to rest on his jaw, shifting his hands to tilt TK's face up to look at him carefully. "TK, whatever it takes, we're going to get through it." He said, piling as much determination into his voice as he could, all the while keeping it as soft as he could.

TK ducked his head slightly. "You really wanna have to deal with this; this isn't a problem that is just going to go away." TK felt the usual anxiety intensifying as he admitted this wasn't just going to go away.

Carlos swept his thumb across TK's cheek. "I know, I'm in this for the long run TK, I know you're dealing with a lot, and starting something new with me might just be too much right now, but if you want me here, then I'm staying." He said, so much care in his eyes. TK wanted to tell him to stay, but a part of him just couldn't it wasn't fair to bring Carlos down with him, especially if Carlos was just staying because he thought he'd OD'd. "And both you say it or think it, I wanna stay," Carlos said. He took a step closer to TK, his head resting on TK's forehead again, causing TK to close his eyes, falling into the moment, wishing he could just stay here. "I want you, TK."

TK, pulled his head back for a moment to look at Carlos, to make sure he meant it, his warm eyes were locked on TK, letting him know; he did mean it. TK nodded, not sure he could muster up words right now. Carlos gave a smile back, for the first time since he arrived, he let his hands fall from TK's face, coming down to wrap his hands around TK's.

TK leaned back against the car, which was next to him, his body feeling drained. "Things are pretty bad right now, but they're a little bit better when you're around," TK admitted. It wasn't a solution or a fix but having Carlos by his side, someone he cared about, maybe more than he was willing to accept, was something he wanted. Knowing he wasn't alone, maybe that was enough to get him through this.

Carlos gave TK's hand a small squeeze, "Well, that's a start, and we'll build from there, okay." Carlos said. TK nodded, pushing himself off the car, towards Carlos. Carlos released TK's hands from his, once again reaching up to touch TK's cheek. TK leaned forward a pressed his lips to Carlos, for a moment forgetting everything that happened that night expect Carlos. TK pulled back, kept his face close to Carlos, not quite ready to leave yet and face reality. "You ready?" Carlos asked, his head tilted to the side. TK thought the question over; was he ready. Once they left, all of this would become a reality. TK wasn't sure what happened; next, he could guess some of it. His dad would put him on sabbatical from work, increase therapy, TK stopped himself from thinking too far, not sure he could leave the field if he thought about it too much. TK took a shaky breath, giving a slight nod. "Yeah, I'm ready." Carlos started to walk towards the Car where Owen was, TK fell into step next to Carlos, his hands shoved into his pocket. Carlos wrapped his arm around TK's shoulders, plating a small kiss on the top of his head. As the boys approached the car, they could see Owen leaning against it. He leant forward as he saw them walking towards him. Owen gave TK's shoulders a finale squeeze before slipping his arm off TK's shoulder and walking around to the other side of the car.

"You good?" Owen asked, his hand coming up to squeeze TK's shoulder.

"I will be," TK breathed, and for once, part of him believed it. Maybe not completely, but enough that he was hoping, something he'd hadn't been in a while.

Owen gave a broad smile, patting his son on the shoulder. "I'll pick the car up tomorrow, for now, let's just get you home." Owen sighed, the events of the night clearly taking their toll as well.

"Hey, dad," TK said, biting his lip. "I know you want me home tonight, and I'm not going to fight you on that but..." TK shifted where he stood, looking down at his shoes. "Can Carlos stay as well, I just-" Owen placed his hand on TK's upper arm, a warm smile on his face.

"You don't have to explain TK, of course. As long as you're safe, that's I want." TK and his father shared a smile before, Owen got in the driver seats, and TK slides into the back of the car with Carlos. TK sat back against the seat as Owen started the engine. As he pulled out of the area, TK scooted closer to Carlos, causing the man to wrap his arm around TK. TK took a steady breath, leaning his head against Carlo's shoulder. He thought back to what Carlos had said the other day. 

_ You'll feel better tomorrow. _

At the time no part of him believed it, he accepted the only way he would feel better would be to take those pills, but now as he sat in the back of his dad's car, watching as the darkening sky passed by, he thought it to be possible. Not easy, not something that would be fixed completely tomorrow, but the constant dread that had filled TK all week had faded into the background, the constant voice in his head not gone, but quieter. Maybe tomorrow would be a little better, and for now, that was all TK could ask for.


	7. Truths and Trying.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After almost relapsing TK spends the night talking with his dad and Carlos and the next step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a long long time since I've updated but I am BACK on my 911 lone-star and tarlos bullshit so expect much more regular updates and some other 911 lone-star/TK fics coming.
> 
> -AJ

TK watched as the dim street lights passed the car, the houses behind them just a blur. TK moved his head, looking forward at his dad driving the car. Anyone else watching might think Owen was relaxed, he was just peacefully watching the road ahead. But TK knew his father; he could see the way his knuckles were white from clenching the wheel vigorously. He could see how his fathers leg bounced up and down continuously. TK looked up at the mirror, able to see his fathers narrowed eyes; his forehead creased as he was lost deep in thought. 

Owen looked up and caught TK's eyes, his forehead uncreased, and while TK couldn't see it, he could tell from the way his father's eyes changed, he was smiling at TK.

TK managed a weak smile back at his father before looking back out at the window. The car ride had been silent the entire time, even Carlos hadn't said a word, the only movement from the car had been the glances towards TK to make sure he was okay. 

TK had his arms wrapped around his stomach, every so often a cramp would roll through him, but that wasn't the worst part, neither was the headache, the shakes or the continuous sick feeling his chest. The worst part was the heavy bulk of guilt that was engulfing TK's chest. 

He didn't think his father or Carlos would come looking for him, would see him like that. TK pressed his eyes tight together like that would change the truth; it didn't.

After a moment the car pulled up to the house. Owen sighed in the front seat, his hands slowly unclenching from the wheel and falling into his lap. After another moment Owen slipped out of the door, hovering outside the car. Carlos unwrapped his hand from TK's shoulder, pushing open and the door and shielding out, holding the door open for TK. 

TK made no effort to move, just started at the now empty seat in front. TK wanted to stay in the car, this way he could pretend that the evening hadn't happened. He looked over to the side to see Carlos and Owen carefully watching him. TK sighed, shifting on the seat and pulling himself out of the car, closing the door behind him.

The group walked up the path to the house, TK noticed how close Carlos stay to him, always right by his side as Owen pushed open the door. 

Tk walked into the living room, glancing around. He could hear Owen saying something, but it wasn't clear like TK was wearing headphones or was underwater. He heard Carlos tell him he was going to go upstairs and wait for him. TK nodded as Carlos left just him and Owen in the room.

TK kept his arms securely around him as he stood in the centre of the living room, his dad on the opposite side of the room, neither speaking. 

"When's your next appointment with your therapist?" Owen finally asked, sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands.

"Friday," TK quietly said, two days away TK thought.

"Right," Owen nodded, "And NA group?" He continued.

"There's a meeting every day," TK said, finally unwrapping his hands from around his stomach. 

"Right of course," Owen sighed, running his hand through his hair. TK wanted to sink into the ground as he watched the stress and anxiety, virtually radiate off his dad. "Maybe you should think about going to one tomorrow," Owen said, "Talk to them," He nodded. 

TK leant against the wall behind him, his legs feeling weary. His dad was being logical. This was how it always was when TK replaced; his dad had a clear plan, steps to take. TK's mother was always the emotional one, she was never quite able to deal with TK's relapse in the practical nature that Owen could. "I'm sorry," Owen softly admitted. 

TK narrowed his eyes, the corners of his eyes creasing, "Why are you apologising?" TK asked.

"I should have noticed-" Owen started, but TK cut him off.

"Dad stop," TK implored, sure that hearing his dad apologies for something that wasn't his fault would make the guilt in his chest expand to a new level.

Owen opened his mouth, his lips parted, but he said nothing. After a while, he finally spoke, "I'm sorry," He said again, "I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't talk to me," Owen finished.

He knew his dad hadn't meant to make TK feel guilt, but as he watched his dad's disappointment face, TK basically chocked on the guilt that rose in his throat. "Dad," TK started but stopped, unsure what to say to fix the situation. He wanted to apologies, but he knew that would fix nothing, wouldn't take that look from his dads face. "I-" TK chocked on the emotion that engulfed his chest. "Please don't apologies," TK had meant to say, but instead it sounded more like a plead. Owen just nodded, his lip pulled into a thin line like a smile, but TK could tell it wasn't one.

TK summoned up the strength to push himself off the wall, turning around to head upstairs. TK paused on the bottom step, turning around to peak around the corner. The thin smile fell from Owen's face, and his head sank in his hands. TK watched as his dad's composure began to crumble and TK turned away, unable to look at his dad any longer. TK managed to make it upstairs, his body practically dragging itself as he finally made it into his room. 

TK pushed the door close, resting his head against it as he closed his eyes. 

"You alright?" He heard Carlos ask. 

TK had been asked that question all week and every time he had said yes but today...he couldn't bring himself to lie, "I ruined everything," TK whispered.

After a moment he felt Carlos hands running up and down the side of his arms, "TK," he softly spoke.

"He's angry," TK said, letting his head fall forward. His dad would never say it, he never did but TK could tell from the way his father spoke, he was angry with TK and TK couldn't blame him.

"He's just worried about you," Carlos replied,

TK shook his head, he wanted that to be true, it just simply wasn't. "I promised this wouldn't happen again," TK said, tears starting to build up in his eyes again, "Texas was meant to be a fresh start-" 

"Hey, hey," Carlos said, cupping TK's cheek. Carlos wiped the tears that had started to fall. TK pushed off the door and into the bedroom, not sure if he needed space or wanted to be closer to Carlos.

TK sunk down onto the bed, running both hands through his hair and tugging harshly at the ends. "If you two hadn't have shown up..." He started.

Carlos quickly bent in front of TK's his hands on his knees,  "But we did,"

"-That's not the point Carlos" TK cried. There was a truth that TK had been trying to push back the entire way home, but he was no longer able to ignore it "I was going to take them," He finally confessed, the confession feeling like acid in his throat, "And I wouldn't have stopped after-"

"You don't know that-" Carlos tried to comfort, but it was a lie, and TK was tired of lies.

"I do," TK said his voice more assertive this time. "I would've taken them; like I did when I was 18, like I did after a year of sobriety and all those other times I messed up," As TK spoke he felt his voice getting more unstable, "Like I did after Alex," TK said, "Like I'll probably do again," TK looked down at Carlos, who could only be described as having a pitying look in his eyes.  TK hated pity, hated people being worried about him. Yet he kept doing things that made people worried, that made people have pity. Carlos didn't say anything, and TK could see him trying to work out something to comfort TK, but no words came.

"I'm tired of this," TK cried, shaking his head, "I'm tired of having to start again," he said. Every time it seemed harder to get back up, harder to tell himself, it wouldn't happen again.

Carlos reached up and caressed his cheek, TK leaning into it, "I know," He whispered.

"Especially when I know I'll just be in this same situation again," TK said. Carlos went to speak, but TK continued. "It might be a year, or two years but it will happen it always does,"

"You don't know that," Carlos tried to say, but TK continued.

"It always does," He spoke, his voice confident and unwavering. 

Carlos thought for a moment before speaking, "It didn't tonight," He said, a small smile on his face.

"Because you two showed up," TK called, "Not because I'm strong," He said.

"Yes you are," Carlos argued, "You could have still taken them when we were there, or before we got there," TK hated Carlos logic, he sighed, "But you didn't" TK moved his hands to wipe them down his face, rubbing his eyes harshly, "TK," Carlos whispered, pulling TK's hands down, holding them in his own, "You got shot, your body went through trauma, and so did your mind, this didn't happen because you are weak," TK gave a small smile, Carlos never failed to be supportive, and TK wondered how he got so lucky to find Carlos. TK moved his own hand to brush Carlos's cheek.

"I'm sorry," TK said.

Carlos swung his head, "You don't need to apologies," He said, but TK was already thinking about something else.

"My dad has enough stress going on with the c..." TK couldn' even say the C-word, the thought of it making his lip quiver and his eyes to water again, "And-" TK suffocated on his works, gasping for breath as he became overwhelmed with numerous thoughts and worries. TK tried to take a breath in, but it just got caught in his chest, making his lungs ache again.

"Hey stop stop," Carlos said, trying to cup TK's face but TK pulled back trying to catch a breath at seemed to be moving further away. Carlos brought TK's face up to look at him, sweeping his thumb across TK's cheek to clear the tears, "Look at me," Carlos calmly said. TK looked at Carlos's eyes, trying to calm himself. Carlos exaggerated his breathing and TK copied. After a moment, TK managed to calm himself, tears still spilling over his eyes. "I know things are really hard right now, and they might be for a while" Carlos honestly said, "And I know you've done this before, but you are going to be okay," He said, wrapping his hands around the back of TK's neck from his knelt position on the floor.

It made sense. TK had thought he would never recover before and he did, the first time he laid in a hospital bed after an overdoes and entered his first withdrawal TK was sure he would never be able to be sober; but he had been.

But logic also told TK that every time he got clean, it didn't last forever, that this, what was happening right now would  _ again  _ occur, it was a point of inevitability. "I'm scared, Carlos," TK admitted, "I don't want this to be my life forever," He said. In NA, TK had seen people that had been sober 10, 20 even 30 years, all fall off the wagon. Some of these people never got sober again, and that thought of that scared TK more than anything.

"It won't," Carlos assured, "Because you've got your dad, the 126" Carlos finally moved from his position on the floor and at next to TK, their shoulders pressed together. Carlos reached across and took TK's hand, entwining their fingers, "And you've got me," TK smiled, one of the few real ones he'd had over the week, "I know you don't wanna lean on other people but TK," TK could see the Carlos was trying to keep a lid on his feelings, and TK couldn't blame him for struggling with all he had put him through, "You gotta let us help, when you're struggling its okay to say," He reassured. 

TK smiled, leaning his head to the side to fall on Carlos's shoulder.

"So, you haven't been sleeping?" Carlos finally asked. TK slowly raised his head, shaking it to indicate no, "Anything I can do to help?" He asked.

_ Pills.  _

TK surged from the bed, squeezing his eyes so tight it started to hurt. TK knew his mind might never get out of that pattern, would never stop seeing pills as a comfort. TK realised that he had been stood in silence, he turned to face Carlos. "No," He whispered.

"Are you in pain?" Carlos asked.

_ Yes  _ TK thought, in ways that he couldn't really describe, but TK pushed that thought aside, unable to deal with that now. He decided to just focus on the physical pain right now, "My shoulder hurts, and there's withdrawal symptoms, but there's nothing I can do about that," TK sighed.

Carlos nodded, "What about over the counter meds? non-opioids?" He asked.

TK wished it was that easy, he just shook his head, "Slippery slope right now," While they weren't addictive TK wasn't sure he would cope with taking any form of pill now, pretty sure it would unravel the already unstable composure he had found, "I just gotta wait it out," TK said, wrapping his arms around himself again, a classic TK protection method. 

"How long does it usually take?" Carlos asked.

"Well thinking back I've probably been in withdrawal for about a week so maybe another week," TK said. He didn't miss the way a flash of uneasiness crossed Carlos's eyes. "My dad wants me to go to NA tomorrow, see if that helps," TK didn't mind NA, no one there judged or had that pitying look in their eyes.

TK felt his body sway on his feet, "Maybe you should get some rest," Carlos said. TK sluggishly nodded and staggered over to the bed. TK knew he should get changed, but he had no energy left in his body to do so. Instead, TK kicked his shoes off, hearing them clatter to the floor and curled up on his side. TK's body was so drained that he didn't even bother to move as his shoulder protested.

"Want me to sleep here or on the sofa," Carlos said from the edge of the bed. TK almost felt like he had lost the ability to talk, his body running on nothing. TK reached out and took Carlos hand, gently pulling him into the bed. 

Carlos flicked the light off, the room falling dark. He felt Carlos settle in next to him. TK could tell the man was tense like he was scared if he moved TK might shatter entirely. TK moved over in the bed, lifting his head to lie it on Carlos's chest, his arms gathered against his chest. TK felt Carlos relax beneath him, his arms coming to engulf TK in an embrace, A light kiss was placed on TK's forehead. 

TK felt waves of tiredness crash over his body, his eyes blinking closed for longer each time before finally closing for good.

A sharp pain shot through TK's chest. TK quickly sat up in the bed, lightly rubbing the still healing wound on his chest. After the pain passed, TK looked around the room. He could see the light starting to sneak through the gaps in the curtains, revealing the small dust falling through the air. 

TK swung his legs over the side of the bed, remembering he was still wearing his clothes from the night before. 

TK climbed out of bed, grabbing a black work shirt and grey jogging bottoms, slipping into them. TK knew he should shower, but if he was honest, he didn't have the energy. TK looked over to the clock; 6:14am. 

TK had managed to get around 8 hours of sleep, more than he had had all week. Carlos was curled up in the bed, his chest rising and falling slowly. TK smiled, even though Carlos couldn't see. TK just sat down on the edge of the bed, watching Carlos sleep. TK reached out and lightly brushed the hair from Carlo's face. "Thank you for being here," TK whispered, one corner of his mouth pulled up to the side.

After a moment, TK quietly headed downstairs into the living room. Owen was sat at the kitchen island, drinking his coffee and flicking through some files. Owen turned his head "Morning," he smiled, TK nodded back walking over to the island, "How you feeling?" Owen asked. 

"I finally slept" TK sighed, leaning against the island.

"That's good," Owen said, and TK could see Owen's shoulders un tense as he smiled. "What time is your NA meeting?" He asked.

TK looked down at the marble worktop, tracing patterns with his fingers, "About that..." TK started, but he heard his father files fall against the table.

"TK you need to go to your NA meeting," His father ordered, sounding more like his captain than his dad.

"I just-I just don't think this is an NA thing," TK started. He knew there was no way his father would understand and judging from his fathers face he was right.

"Wh-what do you mean," Owen said, shaking his head, "You almost relapsed," He said, and TK couldn't help but feel the sting of those words.

"I know, but NA is just going to tell me a load of things I already know and..." TK trailed off. It was partly truth TK knew what they were going to say. But it wasn't the whole truth as to why TK didn't want to go. People didn't judge at NA, they didn't pity, but TK had been doing  _ so well  _ in NA that he almost couldn't bare having to go there and tell them he nearly messed up," TK bit his lip, "I wanna go to the station," Before Owen could protest TK held his hands up, "Not to work I know that, but maybe just clean the truck or do reports I just...I just need to keep busy," TK sighed. He couldn't just sit at home all day with his mind, he'd heard the phrase the mind is a dangerous place to be alone, and for an addict, nothing was more real. 

"You need to go to your meeting," Owen said, "Then you can come to the station," He said, sounding like his father again.

That was a compromise he could manage, "Alright," TK smiled.

"Carlos still asleep?" Owen asked, still flicking through his file.

TK nodded, "I think yesterday exhausted him," TK said. 

"He cares about you a lot," Owen smiled, putting the file down and pushing it aside.

"I bet he's regretting that right," TK quietly said. He didn't think his dad had heard, but then TK looked up to see the sympathetic look on his dad's face.

"He ain't going anywhere," Owen tried to comfort, but somehow that didn't make TK feel any better. 

"Maybe he should," TK said again, looking away from his dad, "I just keep messing things up," TK said, trying to clear the emotion from his throat.

"No, you don't TK," Owen said, trying to reach across to take his son's hand but TK pulled back.

"No?" TK bitterly laughed, "I screwed things up in New York and and now here-" TK blinked harshly, choking on his words, giving Owen time to interrupts.

"Hey, stop," Owen said, finally placing his hand on top of TK's "Don't get into your head okay?" He said, TK nodded but made no effort to get out of his head, unsure if he was able to. "Go to your meeting, talk to them, book a therapy session, and then come to the station," Owen slowly went through, "Take it step by step kid" That was a big thing for Owen when TK was struggling with his addiction Owen always told him to take it day by day and just focus on the now. "I can drop you there," He said. TK nodded, knowing it was pointless to argue that point. The father and son paused when they heard footsteps coming down the stairs, both turned to see Carlos coming into the living room. "I'll get ready then we'll go," Owen said, walking past Carlos giving him a nod.

"You sleep well?" Carlos asked, walking deeper into the kitchen.

"Yeah actually," TK said, and for the first time in a while, it wasn't a lie.

Carlos finally reached where TK was standing and giving him a light kiss, "That's good," He smiled, "You going to NA?" He asked, leaning against the counter.

"Yeah, my dad said he'd drop me, don't think he's going to let me out of his sight for a while," TK said, if his dad had been hovering when he'd been shot then TK couldn't imagine what he'd be like with TK still being shot and almost relapsing. "After that, I'm going to go to the station, do some paperwork or something," TK listed, repeating the plan over in his mind and just focusing on that.

"That sounds like a good plan," Carlos said, running his hands through TK's hair, "I've gotta leave for work in a bit," Carlos sighed.

"Of course, of course," TK nodded, ashamed to admit that he had completely forgotten that people had normal lives with jobs to go to, "Listen..." TK said clearing his throat, "I get if you need some time alone after all this mess-"

Carlos placed his hand on TK's, tilting his head to the side, "I'm not going anywhere" Carlos repeated, that soft smile gracing his face again. "Unless you need space?" He asked.

TK quickly shook his head, "No, no," he scoffed, "Currently right now you and I are the only thing that makes sense to me," TK admitted. Everything else, work, his relationship with his dad, it seemed to be balancing on a razor's edge, but with Carlos, it was easy, it made sense.

Carlos smile grew as he leaned in, kissing TK on the cheek, "Then I'll see you tonight," he said. TK nodded as he watched Carlos exit the house.

"You ready?" Owen said from the stairs, his car keys clutched in his hands.

_ No,  _ TK thought.

"Yeah," TK said.

Owen smiled, nodding towards the door. TK exhaled a deep breath, he grabbed his grey 126 station hoddie from the clothes rack, pulling it over. TK shoved his hands into his pocket and headed out the door. The car ride to the meeting was silent beside TK having told Owen where it was. TK looked at the street lights whizzing by. They were the same lights that TK had seen when he'd driven back the night before, the same houses. TK wanted to say things were different, that TK had turned a corner after last night. 

But the lights looked the same, so did the houses and TK felt no different. 

"I know you don't wanna do this," Owen said, never taking his eyes off the road ahead, "But try, for me," his dad finished. This time he looked over at TK, a pleading look in his eyes. 

TK nodded, biting his lip. TK wasn't sure NA would do anything, he wasn't sure if he would be able to keep a hold of his fragile sobriety.

But he could try.

So that's what TK would do, he would try.


	8. Dust and Haze.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TK returns to work after nearly relapsing, a NA meeting and a conversation with Marjan brings some harsh truths to light for TK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with another chapter where we see TK with the team and the consequences of his actions! Another chapter will be up very soon, hope you guys enjoy! Thank you for your constant support!
> 
> -aj

TK sat on a wooden chair, listening as a NA member spoke about their journey and recovery. TK scuffed his feet across the floor, watching as small black marks appeared. TK tried to listen, tried to take in their stories, but TK's mind kept drifting, and as the meeting went on, it drifted further and further until it reached its inevitable end. 

_ What did his dad do with the pills? Had he kept them? Or flushed them? He knew there were other pills in the house, morphine maybe?  _

TK had pushed the thought back as much as he could, but as he sat there, it had managed to slither its way up like it always did. He was sure his dad would have flushed them by now, that's what he always did. There was no way his dad would keep them in the house, if he did then he was sure-

"Anything you wanna say TK, you've been quiet today," The moderator said, interrupting TK's thoughts. 

TK hadn't even noticed that the person had sat down, and everyone was looking at him, "Uhh no," TK mumbled. The group nodded, and they moved on. TK knew he should have said something, told them what had happened but he couldn't bring himself too, still not wanting to admit it to himself. 

The meeting seemed to draw on for what seemed like hours. Eventually, it was over, and TK could finally get back to the station. "How you doing TK, shoulder any better?" Theo said, walking over to where TK was leaning against the wall, about to text his dad to pick him up. 

"Getting there," TK politely said. TK had spoken to Theo a few times. He was an older man in his late 30's who had lived in Austin all his life. 

Theo nodded, narrowing his eyes at TK, "I know you aren't the most talkative in the group, but you seem very preoccupied today," He said, seemingly eyeing TK up and down.

"I've uhh had a rough week," Was all TK shared. He could see the exit sign and thought about just making a beeline for it. Then TK looked back over at Theo, the man had been sober for over ten years and had had his fair share of relapses to get there. It occurred to TK that just over 10 years was how long he had been an addict for, TK couldn't imagine the willpower and strength it took to stay sober all that time, his head fell back against the wall, "I almost relapsed," He said, his voice wobbling.

"You found a dealer?" Theo asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Somehow, TK tracking down a new dealer in Austin sounded better than the actual truth of where he got the drugs. TK looked around him even though they were the only two left in the building, "I stole a bottle of morphine from work," TK admitted, closing his eyes as he spoke, the shame of the statement almost too much to bear. TK had done a lot of bad things to get hold of opioids before, but he had never stolen from work...until now.

"You wanna talk about it?" He didn't but TK had promised his dad he would try, actually try rather than just show up and nod. TK let out a deep exhale, "After everything that happened with the shooting I dunno, I just couldn't sleep and was in pain and well opioids fix both those problems," TK tried to ignore the way he felt warm as he thought about opioids and the effects they could have on him. "Plus the medication from the hospital triggered something," TK continued. "Once the pain starts to go, and I can sleep I'll be fine," TK said, "I just need to get back to work," He sighed.

Theo seemed to think for a moment, before unfolding his arm, "Do you wanna work because you miss it or you want to prove something?" Theo asked. "Want to prove that you're not struggling?"  TK couldn't disregard the way those words hit a nerve. "You know in these meetings we talk a lot about beating your addiction and fighting but it's okay to struggle TK" But TK didn't want to struggle, TK wanted to be fine, "Have you thought about trying to work out the root of your addiction?" Theo asked. The question caught TK off guard. When he'd first joined, he'd told the group when he'd first done drugs when he noticed it was a problem, Theo already knew all of this.

"The root?" TK asked, his brows furrowed, "I was 15, a friend offered me some at a party, it's not that deep?" Every time someone asked TK when he first did drugs, he told that story, verbatim each time. It was true, TK first got drugs at a party from a friend. However, there was some backstory that TK left out, small, inconsequential details, that even his father didn't know.

"Why'd you take them? Could have said no?" Theo inquired, and even though the meeting had finished, TK somehow felt like he was back in it. 

"I was 15? I was a stupid kid," TK said defensively. TK ignored the voice inside his that told him he knew exactly why he took those drugs and why he kept coming back for more. 

Theo nodded, but he could tell the older man didn't believe him, "If you were struggling with sleeping, why didn't you ask for help?"

"I thought it would pass," TK said.

"Or maybe you didn't want help?" Theo said and TK clenched his kaw at the accusation, "A lot of addicts self-sabotage because they think the longer they stay sober, the harder the fall will be when they inevitably relapse," Theo finished and TK could just stare at the man, unsure what to say.

Theo gave TK a slight smile, giving his shoulder a quick pat before leaving. 

TK stood there for a moment, trying to digest what Theo had said. TK tried to finish texting his father to pick him up but found his mind preoccupied with Theo's words. 

\--

Owen and Tk pulled up outside the station. From his seat, everything looked the same as when they had pulled up a week ago, yet TK knew that wasn't true. "They know, right?" TK asked, looking over at his father.

Owen sighed, understanding what his son was asking, "They were there when we worked out you and the pills were gone," TK exhaled heavy, closing his eyes, "I text Judd and told him we'd found you and you were okay," TK rubbed his forehead, nodding. Owen reached over and lightly placed his hand on TK's shoulder, "They're looking forward to seeing you," He smiled. 

It felt like a lie, it had to be. TK had stolen drugs from work, disappeared for hours and left everyone to worry. TK turned in the seat, pushing open the door and stepping out. If TK sat in the car any longer he was sure that he would never leave. Owen followed suit and waited by his son's side. TK fidgetted with his hands in front on him, slowly walking into the station. 

He could hear the crew laughing in the kitchen and TK's anxiety spiked in his throat, his feet sticking to the ground. Owen stopped next to TK, clearly intent on not leaving him alone, "Can I just..." TK took in a shaky breath, "Can I just have a minute," TK said. Owen seemed to think it over, glancing quickly around the station, clearly checking to make sure it was safe to leave TK. Owen nodded, walking forward towards the kitchen and crew. 

He could hear the voices in the kitchen lower, no longer able to hear their words. TK rubbed the palm of his hand harshly with his thumb, hoping if he did it hard enough the panic in his chest would evaporate; but it didn't. TK walked closer towards the kitchen, hearing his dad walk up the stairs towards his office.

TK froze again.

After his actions in New York, TK hadn't seen his crew again before moving to Austin, he knew it was cowardly but he couldn't face their judgement, which he was certain would be there. The crew in Austine had become a family to TK and he wasn't sure he could face their disappointed looks,  _ another family TK had let down.  _

TK finally rounded the corner into the kitchen. 

The whole crew was stood around the island, leaning over close like they had been talking about something private. Their heads all swilled around to TK.

He just stood there, in the car ride here he had gone over what he wanted to say, but when they were in front of him all the words in his mind were gone. TK couldn't read their faces, unsure if they were angry, worried, relieved, everything was a blur to him. TK took in a deep inhale and opened his mouth but still, no words left his lips. 

"I'm so sorry guys," TK managed to choke out, his voice hitching and catching in his throat. 

Almost as if he understood TK could not find the words, Paul pushed himself off the counter and started to walk towards TK.

TK braced himself for the berating he was sure was about to come, one he knew he deserved. Instead, Paul pulled TK into a strong hug, his arms wrapping around TK's shoulders, resting on his back. TK just stood still, unsure of what to do. He heard moving from behind Paul and felt as the rest of the crew joined the hug, careful not to suffocate TK.

"Glad you're okay man," Paul said, the others speaking in agreement.

TK thought he would feel relief like a weight had been lifted from his chest. Yet, the shame and guilt just grew, the weight on his chest grew, starting to suffocate TK.

Paul reached forward, placing his hand on TK's shoulder, "You don't have to apologise to us man," He smiled, his eyes locked with TK. 

_ But he did.  _ TK just smiled back, there was so much more he wanted to say but the words were lost on him.

Mateo lunched forward and wrapped his arms around TK, patting his back. After a moment he pulled back, his own eyes wet with tears, "I'm...I'm really glad you're okay," He said. 

TK just smiled again. A piece of him thought this was a lie, that they were angry or resentful, "Thanks," He breathed.

The group stood around for a moment, then TK heard his father coming down the stairs, the peaked around the corner, "TK can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked. TK just nodded, wanting to escape the worrying looks from his crewmates. TK just smiled at them and went up the stairs into his father's office.

Owen walked in and sat behind his desk, pushing forward a stack of paperwork, "Got some reports that need to be filled out, nothing that interesting I'm afraid but," Owen gave a small shrug sitting back in his seat. TK simply nodded again, walking forward to pick up the paper's, tucking them under his arm. "I know it's not what you want to be doing but it's for the best-"

TK shook his head, "No, I...I know," TK hated being benched, he wanted to be back out in the field but he knew that wasn't going to happen and no amount of arguing was going to change that. TK smiled at his father before heading out and towards the break room.

TK sat in the break room of the 126 in silence, filling out the reports his dad had given him. TK dropped the pen, rubbing the side of his head as a headache started to grow. He had been working for a few hours, taking a few moments to just sit in the small break room in silence. He could have gone downstairs to see the crew, but he found himself keeping his distances. He wanted to believe they weren't angry with him and TK knew the more time he spent with them the more likely the truth was to come out. The door to the break room opened and Marjan stepped in, a small smile on her face, "Hey," She quietly said like she knew TK had a headache. "Coffee?" She said, placing a cup down in front of TK, sitting in the chair opposite him. 

"Thanks," TK smiled, reaching for it and wrapping his hands around it as the warmth from the cup travelled down his whole body. As on cue, TK felt a wave of tiredness come over him, he reached down and took a sip of his coffee, "Do I look that bad?" TK joked.

Marjan laughed, shaking her head as she sipped on her own coffee, "No, you always have a black coffee, two sugars when you come to work, I didn't see you make one, so I brought you one," She said. 

TK felt the corners of his lips raise even more. It was these kinds of acts that made the 126 a family, not just a station. The corners of his lips fell as he realised this was the same crew he had betrayed and gone AWOL.

TK forced the smile back on his face, tightening his grip on the cup, "Thanks, need something to keep me awake while doing these reports," He joked, leaning back on his chair, careful not to pull his stitches. 

"You want any help?" She asked, her eyes scanning the folders in front of TK.

"No it's alright," TK sighed, "I need  _ something _ to do," He said. "Besides cleaning the trucks, this is all I can do," He didn't mean for it to sound resentful, but the last part did. Even though TK  _ knew  _ he wasn't allowed to work and agreed this time, it didn't make being benched any easier.

"You know, buttercup hasn't been walked today?" Marjan said, standing up from her chair and bracing her hands on the back of it, "I was going to take her, wanna join?" She asked.

TK looked down at his paperwork then up at Marjan; the choice was obvious. "Alright," He said, flicking his paperwork close. TK followed Marjan down the stairs into the kitchen where the rest of the crew was. 

"I'll just go grab her," Marjan smiled, heading off to find Buttercup. 

"You going out?" Owen asked while making a coffee.

"Marjan and I are taking buttercup for a walk," TK said, wandering over to the fridge to grab a water bottle.

"Good," Owen smiled, "Have fun," He said, nodding his head as he walked back up to his office. He couldn't tell if his dad was trying to give him space or was angry; probably the later TK thought. Marjan reappeared with Buttercup on her leash, nodding towards the station doors. The pair headed out the into the Austin sun, the rays peeking through the few clouds that were out. 

Marjan held Buttercups leash as TK walked next to the pair. Buttercup kept her eyes and head tilted up towards TK, pulling on her lead to get closer to him. 

Marjan laughed, shaking her head, "Even after weeks away, you're still her favourite," She said, holding the leash out towards TK, who smiled while taking it, "Even after all the treats I gave her," Marjan teased, reaching down to pet Buttercup.

_ If only Buttercup knew _ . "So did my dad ask you to check up on me?" TK couldn't stop himself from asking, his eyes firmly on Buttercup and not on the questioning gaze from Marjan. 

"You looked like you could use some air," She said. TK could imagine, he hadn't looked in the mirror today, but he was sure he wasn't looking his best. "And were family, your dad doesn't need to  _ ask _ me to check up on you," She said, knocking her shoulder into TK's, causing him to look up at her. 

TK cringe at how much of a narcissistic he was right now, he couldn't remember the last time he had a conversation with someone that wasn't about him and his issues. "Sorry I just-" TK tore his eyes away from Marjan, swaying his head, "Hate feeling like a kid, you know?" He asked. "Feel like I'm 15 all over again, everyone watching me like I'm constantly on the verge of messing up," TK was used to everyone watching him back in New York, he was the captain's son but his dad, mom, the team members who knew they watched him differently. It was like they were acutely aware that TK could mess up any moment, TK wanted to tell himself they didn't need to watch him but the last couple of days disproved that thought. "How was my dad today?" TK asked.

"Fine," Marjan said quickly, a little too fast to be true. She noticed her error, sigh and smiling up at TK, "A little quiet, probably just worried about you," She reassured.

"Or angry," TK said, letting out a deep breath.

"I don't think he's angry at you TK," She said, "No one is," She smiled. It should comfort TK, but it didn't somehow; it made him feel worse.

"I stole drugs from work Marjan," TK snapped, stopping in his tracks. It was the second time TK had admitted it today, and it wasn't any easier. "My dad should __ be angry,  _ you guys  _ should be angry," TK argued. If anyone else had stolen drugs or anything from work they would be suspended at the least, more likely fired. 

Marjan tilted her head to the side, reaching up to put her hand on TK's bicep. "You didn't know what you were doing," She tried to say, but TK knew better.

"That's the thing, I did," He admitted, "I saw the pills, and soon as Michelle left the room I took them and hide them" TK used his free hand to run it through his hair, "And then I lied to Carlos and my dad,"  _ That  _ truth hit TK harder than he would have liked, the two people that had been there for him no matter how much he pushed them away;  _ he'd lied to _ . "And if they hadn't of caught me, I would have taken those pills, gone home, woke up the next day and continued to take them till I got caught," Another harsh truth, but one that TK knew the second he'd picked up those pills. Through his life, TK had met other drug users, people that could go on a bender for a weekend and then stop. For a while, TK thought he was one of those people, then when he was 15 and couldn't get his hands on pills for a week, TK realised what he honestly was. " Because I'm an addict and that's what we do," TK quietly said. He knelt down in front of Buttercup, petting the dog and running his hands through her fur. 

"Your not  _ just  _ an addict TK," Marjan said.

"It's getting harder and harder to believe that," TK replied, standing back up.

"Do you have an addict? Yes. But that doesn't define you," She said, "You're a kickass firefighter, a caring son, and an amazing friend," TK bit his lip to stifle the emotion that was being to stir in his chest. "TK I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to stay sober, especially with the pressures of our jobs and everything else going on, you should cut yourself some slack," She said, placing her hand on his shoulder.

"I cut myself slack the first time I OD'd, the first time I relapsed and then the next time after and then what happened in New York-" TK shuddered, unable to think about New York and the bridge's he'd burned there. Over the last week, TK had come to a few troubling realisations; he was in withdrawal, he was going to relapse but there was a new even more troubling realisation on the horizon, one that TK couldn't ignore no matter how much he tried. "I don't think there's any more slack to cut," There was no one else to blame for TK's mistakes, no more 'you'll do better next time' because it was 'next time' and he didn't do better. 

He'd lied.

He'd stolen.

Reaching new lows even for him. 

In a way, relapsing, that was the easy part. All you were thinking about was getting drugs, taking drugs, there was only one question in your mind; how do I get high? It was the after that was the hardest, when the dust had settled and the haze had been lifted and you had to look at what you'd done, what you'd broken and try to work out how to fix it and move forward. After his conversation with his dad and Carlos the other night TK thought he had begun to fix what he'd broken. 

But the voice in his head that wondered about where the pills were grew louder, his head still pounded and once again it felt like a countdown had begun till TK relapsed again.

The dust had settled and the haze was gone and TK was none the wiser about what the hell to do.


	9. Today not Tomorrow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weeks of emotions and pain come to a head when TK talks to his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter guysss, I hope you enjoy as we start to wind down this fic! There's a lotttt of dialogue in this chapter to I hope you are ready! ENJOY!
> 
> find me on tumblr at @teaamfreewill, I love chatting with you guys!
> 
> -aj

TK lying in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Despite his protests that he was fine last week, TK could feel in the burning in his lungs from the short walk with Marjan and Buttercup. He heard footsteps come into the room, pausing just in front of his bed. TK didn't move, his eyes' still up on the ceiling, he felt a dip on the end of his bed as the person sat down, "Hey, how was the walk," Owen asked.

"Good," TK sighed.

There was silence for a moment, and he felt his father rise, sighing like TK had, "Well, I have some more paperwork yo-"

"Why didn't you suspend me?" TK blurted out. He pushed himself up into a sitting position making sure not to stretch his stitches. Owen knitted his brows together, sitting back down on the bed. TK reached his arms out, resting his hands on his knee's, "I mean If anyone else stole drugs from work you'd fire them on the spot," He said.

Owen nodded, "You not anybody else," he admitted.

"So I get a free pass because I'm your son," TK asked, his voice sharp and biting.

"No you don't get a free pass but firing or suspending you isn't going to help anyone, especially you," During TK's ten-year struggle with drugs something had become abundantly clear, when TK was in withdrawal being left alone with his own thoughts was the worst possible thing one could do. He needed to be kept busy, both his mind and his body. 

"Well maybe that's what I need, maybe I need to be punished so I'll finally learn," TK asked, maybe if he got caught, had to face  _ real  _ consequences for his actions. That made sense, but then again, TK had almost died from his addiction, his heart had stopped and yet a few days ago TK had a handful of pills ready to take them.

"That's not how this works TK, and you know it," Owen said, summing up what TK had been thinking.

"I-" TK sighed, shaking his head, "I keep making excuses as to why I do this," TK started, feeling emotions he had buried and pushed down years ago starting to creep their way to the surface, "I blamed Marcus for selling me drugs when I was a kid, then I blamed Alex for what happened in New York," TK could remember how enraged Owen had been at Marcus; who TK had been friends with since they were young children, for selling TK drugs, "But Marcus didn't make me an addict, I mean I begged him for those drugs," TK admitted and he could tell from the way Owen averted his gaze that that was a truth he wasn't yet ready to accept,

"And Alex..." TK hung his head, biting his lip. After New York, TK's feelings towards Alex, the person he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with had changed from love to hatred. TK had spent so long blaming him for his overdoes, TK shook his head, "What happened wasn't his fault," TK whispered. A part of TK would never forgive Alex for breaking his heart, but TK's decisions afterwards were not Alex's fault. TK looked back up at his dad, partially able to see his face through a blur of tears that had started to build, "I've been doing this for 10 years now, and I keep telling myself it's out of my control when I relapse but..." 

Another daunting truth settled over TK, thick and heavy like smoke, catching in his lungs as he spoke, "I think it's just me, I don't think I'm strong enough for this," He admitted. In all the NA, AA and rehab meetings TK had gone to they had always told him he was strong enough, anyone was strong enough if they just wanted it, if they tried and for a while, TK believed that but after every relapse, every OD that belief dwindled and faded, what happened this week took another sizable chunk of that belief.

Owen moved closer to TK, placing his hand on his leg, "You were 15 when you started taking drugs, 16 when you first OD'd," He softly said, "You've been a kid for most of this," He said, reaching up to brush TK's hair that had fallen onto his forehead.

"I wasn't a kid in New York," TK said back.

Owen nodded, "No, you weren't," He admitted, "But you were hurt, and heartbroken and made a bad choice," Owen assured.

TK was all those things, and maybe he still was. He pulled himself to the edge of his bed, next to his dad, "What so every time I'm hurt or heartbroken I relapse?" TK asked, giving a bitter laugh.

TK sighed, "You were right," He quietly said, "When you said you couldn't trust me," TK finished.

He heard his father let out a deep breath, "TK I never said that-"

TK looked back up at his dad, his hands clasped in front of him, "I'm impulsive and I did-I do wanna prove that I'm fine," TK swallowed hard, but that didn't make the bitter truth of reality go down any easier.

"I knew I was in withdrawal but I didn't want to believe it so I kept trying to work, and once I realised what was happening-"

"It was too late," Owen said, finishing TK's sentence. 

But he was wrong, "No," TK said with a sad laugh, "I knew for a day or two; when Judd tried to speak to me when you tried, I knew and I didn't ask for help," TK finished, looking down at his trembling hands. 

He felt Owen turn on the bed, looking at TK. "Why TK, you know I will always support you," He softly said.

"I didn't want to disappoint you, or worry you," TK said, knowing his father had more pressing things to worry about than his tail spinning son. As TK finished his sentence, he knew it wasn't the only reason, he glanced over at his dad, "And..." Another tough pill TK was about to swallow. TK could feel the tension starting to build up in his body, his shoulder having been tensed the whole conversation. TK stood from the bed, rolling his shoulders to try and relax. TK wrapped his arms around his stomach, the low ache and small cramps still ever-present. "I knew if I told you, you'd do something to help, and I didn't want help," TK finally said. 

The room fell silent as both men were still. TK watched as his father seemed to take on the information, "I know you're angry and I get it," TK said, his voice weaker this time, "So I just...just wanted to say sorry," He said.

Owen thought for a moment, before patting the spot next to him on the bed where TK had been before. TK breathed slowly, walking over and taking a seat, "I'm not angry TK," His father gently said, TK raised an eyebrow at his father, "Not in the way you think," Owen clarified. Owen shifted on the bed, fidgeting with his hands in his lap, was his dad nervous? "You were off all week, and I told myself it was because of the injury and you feeling restless but..." Owen reached up and rubbed his chin, "I should have known," The guilt crept back into TK's chest, "And I know you're going to say its not my fault but I'm your father and I should have seen the signs," TK looked over at his dad, a comforting smile on his face as TK reached out and placed his hand on his shoulder, "Guess I didn't want to believe it," Owen confessed,  _ father like son.  _ Owen reached up and patted TK's hand, "So the question is, what do we do now? What do you need?" He asked.

TK let his hand fall from Owen's shoulder, back into his own lap.

_ What do we do now? _

"I mean right now, this," TK motioned between his dad and around the firehouse, "This it's all I've ever wanted, I've got all the support I could ever need and I still messed up," TK said. TK had blamed relapsing on his dad being gone, his mother working, not having friends to speak to; but he now had all of that. He had a support network and yet his palms still sweat, his head still hurt and he still  _ itched  _ for the relief those pills would provide, TK looked over at his dad, who's eyes were glassy from unshed tears and TK was sure his eyes looked the same. 

"I don't know what I need," TK whispered, coming to Austin was meant to change things, this was meant to be enough to fix TK but it wasn't. 

Owen reached out and placed his hand on TK's knee, "Okay," he said, nodding.

TK frowned, "Okay?" he asked, unsure what about this situation was okay.

Owen gave his son a small smile, "You don't have to have all the answers TK," He said, "Before you went to your meeting, I asked you to try and that's all I want," He said. Owen moved his hand to place it around his shoulder, "You don't have to be perfect at this TK, you can make a mistake-" TK gave a sad laugh, going to correct his father when Owen continued, "-More than one mistake," TK looked up at his father; he didn't look angry or mad, his eyes showed nothing but support and love for TK, "You're 26 and what you're dealing with isn't easy," ' _ isn't easy _ ' was a vast understatement, but TK had seen people deal with it and they made it look so goddamn easy, so why didn't he find it easy. 

TK bit his lip, feeling weeks and months of emotions starting to fester in his chest, catching in his throat. "You don't know what you need, that's alright," Owen said. "I'll keep supporting you,  _ we'll  _ keep supporting you and you just take it one day at a time alright?" TK nodded, a few tears spilling down his face, Owen reached out and wiped them from his sons face, "You didn't take the pills TK, you did good,"

TK wasn't sure if it was from the lack of sleep, but hearing his father say ' _ You did good _ ,' It was like a key had been twisted in TK's chest, and all the emotions he had kept locked away in there came pouring out. TK pressed his lips tight together to stifle the sob. TK's chest ached from trying to keep it inside, Owen lowed his head again look TK in the eyes, "You did good son," The sob escaped TK's lips, forcing its way out with little TK could do about it. Owen wrapped his arms around his son, gently rubbing his hand up and down his back soothing him. TK had tried so hard to do good, to be good but no matter how hard he tried, he always fell short, stumbling at the most crucial point. 

"Don't think about months from now or years okay," Owen said, his arms still wrapped around his son like he could protect him from any harm. TK pulled back, his father's hands coming to rest on his shoulder, TK's chest still heaved heavily, his eyelash damp from tears, "Think about right now and what you need  _ today,"  _ Owen said.

TK sighed, nodding, feeling his lip quiver as he worked to keep his emotions at bay. "So, what do you need today," Owen asked.

TK slowly blinked, his eyes feeling heavy, he pulled his head up, "To sleep," He admitted, one night of well rest had not been enough to make up for the week of not sleeping. TK reached up and rubbed his eyes, before rubbing his temple as he felt the headache growing in his mind.

Owen stood from the bed, "Alright, okay," He smiled.

TK stood up from the bed, pulling his jumper down, "Not here though," He said. While TK wanted to be at the station, he knew he wouldn't get any sleep here, the constant wait for the alarm wouldn't allow for him too.

He could see the doubt in his father's eyes, torn between keeping his son close and letting him rest, eventually, Owen sighed nodding, "I can drive you home-"

TK smiled, shaking his head, "I can get a lift, I'll text you," He said. 

Owen seemed to think about it, and TK couldn't blame his father for his uncertainty after his disappearing act the other day. Owen took in a large breath, smiling at his son and giving a small nod. TK moved forward and pulled his dad into a hug, Owen clutched his son tight, patting his back. TK eventually pulled, shoving his hands into his pocket as he started to head out of the room. 

"TK" Owen called, TK turned around to see his dad smiling at him, "I think we're gonna be just okay," Owen said, repeating TK's words from when they first got to Austin. 

TK gave a small laugh, his eyes still glassy as he smiled at his dad, "So do I," TK said. 

TK headed out of the room down the stairs to the lot. He could hear the crew chatting while cleaning the truck as he rounded the corner.

The crew turned to face TK, paul nodding at him, "You alright man?" He asked, holding a rag in his hand.

He had lost track of how many times he had been asked this question, each time he said yes, without thought or meaning it. TK had learned that saying 'yes' to that question was easier, no one  _ really  _ wanted the truth, they just asked because it was polite. TK took in a breath, "No," he finally admitted. TK couldn't remember the last time he admitted he wasn't okay, or that he needed help, a shy smile appearing as he spoke again, "But I will be," he said. The crew looked at each other, clearly thrown by TK's honesty.

Finally, Judd walked forward, giving TK a hug "Take care brotha," he said. "Call us if you need anything," Paul called. 

TK smiled at them, locking eyes with Marjan, "I'm cutting myself some slack," He said, Marjan walked forward, wrapping her arms around TK.

"Good," He sighed. TK stepped back from the crew nodding at Mateo who was by Marjan's side. 

The ride back didn't take long, TK working to keep his eyes open the entire time. TK texted his dad about the change in his plan, he wasn't going home, there was somewhere else he had to be. After a while they pulled up, TK thanked the driver before stepping out and walking towards the house. 

He took in a breath, holding it for a second. TK reached into his pocket pulling out the silver key and turning it in his hand. He had kept it in his locker when he was working, the rest of the time he kept it close to him. TK slipped the key into the lock and pushed open the door, closing it behind him. The apartment was empty, Carlos was at work for the day. He kicked off his shoes and headed towards the bedroom. TK slipped off his clothes, finding a pair of joggers and a jumper he had left here before, pulling them on. TK slid into the bed, gathering the sheets up around him. TK felt his stomach cramp, his head still banging, and that constant  _ itch  _ that was still clawing in his chest. TK slowly breathed, reminding himself he'd done this before, and he'd come out the other side clean,  _ but for how long? _

TK snapped his eyes shut.

_ Focus on tonight not tomorrow. _

Right now he just needed to focus on sleeping, resting. He felt his eyes getting heavier by the second, his eyelashes fluttering against his skin.

TK shifted in the bed, rolling over on his side. He cursed, catching his shoulder in an awkward position, tugging harshly on his stitches. TK pulled himself up in the bed, rubbing his chest and then his shoulder carefully. 

In the distances, TK could hear noise coming from the kitchen. He pulled himself from the bed, rubbing his eyes as he warily edged towards the kitchen, peaking around the corner. Carlos was in the kitchen, making coffee, quiet music coming from his phone as Carlos hummed along. TK hovered in the doorway, smiling as his boyfriend looked so content in his world, TK longed for that kind of contentment in his life. A pang of guilt shuddered through TK as he realised that his mear presences in Carlos life were enough to destroy some of that peace. 

Carlos turned around and stopped, smiling at TK, "You're awake," He said. TK shuffled into the kitchen, heading over to Carlos who was dressed in his casual wear. TK placed a kiss on his lips, "You're back early?" He asked. TK wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep but he'd guess a few hours. 

Carlos raised his eyebrows, "It's 10pm" He said. TK frowned, he looked between the glass plain by the door and saw the darkness outside, "How'd you feel," Carlos asked, walking over to the sofa with his coffee, sitting down.

"Better," TK nodded, "Think the worst is over," He said from across the room. It was then it dawned on TK he had just  _ been  _ at Carlos place when he'd gotten home, TK shoved his hands into his pocket, shuffling over to the sofa, "I uhh, left work early and came here, I had the key you gave me and- I just thought-"

"It's alright," Carlos smiled, reaching out to carefully pull TK down onto the sofa next to him, "I saw your shoes and key by the front door when I got in and saw you were asleep, I also texted your dad to let him know you were okay,"

TK reached out and took Carlos hand, entwining their fingers, "Thank you," he smiled.

Carlos brought the hand up to his lips, placing a kiss on it, "How was your day?" He asked.

TK let out a deep sigh, his head going back to hit the sofa, "Long," He laughed. He felt Carlos move closer next to him, his thumb brushing the top of his hand. " I spoke to someone from NA and then my dad and realised..." TK pulled his head up, looking over at Carlos who was patiently waiting for TK to speak. TK fidgeted with his free hand, pulling at his pant leg. He knew he needed to speak to Carlos, but now he was here, face to face with him the nerves had settled heavily in his chest. 

TK swallowed, closing his eyes for a moment before looking back over at Carlos, "I'm struggling," He finally said, "I knew I was and I didn't ask for help because I think deep down I wanted to relapse." He continued. Carlos flinched slightly at those words, and TK couldn't blame him, he himself was still struggling with the realisation, "Not because I want to be a user but because, it's easier than being sober sometimes," Carlos face softened as he gave TK a small smile.

TK swallowed again, wetting his lips as they went dry like his throat. TK turned to face Carlos more, "I spent most of my time worrying about when I'm going to mess up and relapse again and the longer I'm sober the more I worry about that," He said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he had much time to think about them, "and when I relapse I just like to move one, after New York I came here, went to NA but never really  _ tried. _ " 

It had been something TK had ignored most of his life, after relapsing TK ran or found something else to focus on but never  _ why  _ he relapsed. TK became aware that he had just been talking at Carlos, his words starting to sound rambling. TK hadn't thought this all through, he just knew he needed to tell Carlos this if they were going to work, "Anyway the reason I'm telling you all this is that I want to try, I want to actually get better, not just put a bandaid on a bullet hole you know," Carlos smile grew a little, his eyes radiating comfort and warmth. TK felt his own smile drop slightly, his eyes blinking quicker as he felt the tears start to well, "But that's going to time awhile, and I'm going to need time to figure this all out and I can't promise I'm going to be the easiest to deal with," TK knows what he's like when he's struggling; he's defensive, he pushed people away, he's hard to deal with. 

Carlos placed his free hand on TK's knee, lowering his head to catch TK's eye line, "TK, If you need space to figure this out-" TK moved forward to speak, but Carlos held his hand up, "Hold on tiger, if you need space to work out  _ you _ before  _ us _ then I'll give that to you, but if not, then I'm not going anywhere," Carlos assured, placing his hand back on TK's knee.

TK took in a shaky break, "I just...I don't want you to feel like you can't leave in case I spin out," Deep down,  _ way  _ deep down TK knew that's why Alex never left, why he cheated instead of just telling TK, he didn't think he'd be able to handle it, TK ignored the thought that told him he was right, "I don't want to force you here," TK admitted, as much as he wanted Carlos to stay, and  _ fuck  _ he did, he didn't want to force him and have Carlos resent him later on.

Carlos untangled his hand from TK's, placing it and the other hand on TK's upper arms, "You're not, I want to be here, I want to be with you," He said, moving one of his hands up to cup TK's face. TK leaned into the gentle touch, closing his eyes which despite the long sleep, still felt heavy. TK felt a gentle kiss on his forehead, blinking open his eyes just in time to see Carlos pulling back. Carlos shifted on the sofa to sit besides TK, TK moving to rest his head on Carlos's shoulder.

Contentment.

TK could probably count on one hand the times he truly felt content since his drug addiction began. It was rare, a portion of TK's mind was always thinking about tomorrow, how long he'd be sober for this time, how hard the fall from sobriety would be. It left very little room in his mind for contentment and peace. 

As TK laid his head on his boyfriend's shoulder, that portion of his brain that was always loud, always worrying grew quieter and quieter until for the first time in years, it fell silent.

TK focused on today.

He was safe.

He was supported.

He was sober.

TK turned and nestled against Carlos's chest, feeling as his chest slowly rose and fell, an effortless smile across his lips. Carlos wrapped his arms around TK, placing a kiss into his hair. 

Right now TK was content, nausea in his stomach 

still rumbled, and his hands still slightly trembled. 

But that was okay, because TK wasn't alone and tonight he would sleep and tomorrow he'd feel a little better and then a little more better the day after. 

TK closed his eyes the peace and warmth of right now engulfing him and pulling him towards sleep, the loud worrying voice in his head finally staying quiet for once.


	10. Minutes, hours, days.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After talking to his dad and Carlos, TK deals with the weight of the week, finding moving forward is harder than he had previously thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while but I'm back! 
> 
> I wrote, rewrote, scraped and edited this chapter so much. After taking some time and doing some rereading I finally got the chapter I wanted, I hope you guys enjoy and thanks for sticking with me! The next one should be with you soon and we get to see some TK and Pual interaction because I just love their friendship!
> 
> \- aj

The room was dark, the covers were shoved off him, but TK still felt warm, like he was wrapped in hundreds of blankets. TK reached his hand out, trying to find the phone on the sideboard. His hand felt something hard, he peaked his eyes open, catching the date and time before slamming the phone down as the light seemed to burrow into his head, hammering into his brain. 

Three days.

After their conversation on the sofa, Carlos and TK had fallen asleep together. TK had spent the whole next day nestled up in the cushions and blankets of the sofa.

_“Why don’t you sleep in the bed,” Carlos whispered, knelt down in front of TK’s face. “It will be far more comfortable,” He said, running his hand through TK’s hair._

_TK kept his eyes closed, feeling the weight of the blanket on top of him. TK mumbled a no, he had finally managed to get comfortable, or as comfortable as he could get, as the sickness started to swell in his stomach. TK wasn’t sure he could move without the sickness in his stomach taking over._

_Carlos's hand moved to rest on TK’s forehead “You’re burning up,” He said, his voice laced with concern._

_“It’s withdrawal,” TK muttered, his brain too fried to explain anything else._

_“I thought you said the worst was over,” Carlos asked, his hand now moving to TK’s cheek._

_So did TK but the exhaustion from the yesterday's realisations had taken their toll on TK. It had only been a day or two since his almost replace and TK's mind and body still weren't ready to move on. He heard Carlos talking to him but the words faded into the distances like he was speaking from another room and TK drifted off to sleep again._

He had drifted in and out of sleep for the whole day, eventually crawling back to the bed in the evening and spending the next two days there. 

That brought TK to today. It was hard keeping track of what day it was, so many thoughts bumping into one another only reinforcing TK’s headache.

It had only been three days since he’s almost relapsed, it had felt like weeks, TK couldn’t even remember what it was like to not feel tired. The withdrawal and cravings had become like a permanent companion to him over the week.

He heard the door creak open, light footsteps that were entirely too loud for his growing headache, entered the room. There was a dip on the edge of the bed and then a soft voice, “Your dad stopped by earlier,” Carlos said, “He didn’t want to wake you but just wanted to make sure you were okay,” TK made a slight movement of his head that was almost a nod but not quite there. “You should eat something,” Carlos said, reaching over to smooth TK’s hair.

“I'm not hungry,” TK mumbled into the pillow, his stomached turning even as Carlos mentioned food.

He heard a sigh, then felt a hand resting on his leg, “I know but you haven’t eaten in days” TK’s headache grew, the pounding against his skull causing the sickness to grow.

“Because I’m not hungry,” He muttered, every time he spoke it was like someone took a bat to his head.

“TK-”

“I’m fine!” TK harshly said, his voice as strong as it could be right now. “Just leave me alone,” He groaned, wrapping his hands around his head, wanting to shield his eyes from the light and everything else in the room. 

“Alright,” He heard the man sigh, the bed shifting as he stood up. The guilt flickered and cracked in his chest, but the migraine in his head prevented him from doing anything about it. TK closed his eyes tighter hoping it would change anything at all. 

TK rolled over in the bed, noticing how empty it was. TK lifted his head, the pounding that had been there having subsided, only a light ache there. TK wasn’t sure what time it was, how long had passed since Carlos had entered the room earlier. The bedroom was empty but TK could hear the TV lightly playing in the living room. He moved over to the edge of the bed, gathering the strength to throw his legs over. After taking a few breaths, TK pushed himself up and shuffled towards the living room.

He peered around the corner, watching as Carlos sat on the sofa, watching some show on the TV. TK hovered for a moment, just watching. Carlos's head was resting on his hand, his elbow perched on the arm of the sofa. He looked tired, his blinking slow, a yawn escaping his lips. TK leaned against the wall, the gilt that had been there earlier flickering back to light, igniting in his heart. He knew Carlos cared, and he knew he wanted to help and TK appreciated it. TK felt safe with Carlos, felt cared for. But, watching how tired the man was and knowing it was because of him, TK just wanted the floor to swallow him up. TK moved to head back to the bedroom when he stepped on a loose floorboard. He could feel the eyes on him before he looked up. Carlos was staring at him, his face looking more awake.

TK licked his lips, stepping further into the living room. Carlos moved to turn the TV down, sitting up straighter on the sofa, "Hey," He smiled, his brown eyes radiating comfort.

“Hey,” TK sighed, sitting down next to him. Carlos looked him up and down, like he was doing a quick inventory to make sure he was okay. They hadn't spoken much in the last few days, the agonizing migraine not allowing TK to do much but sleep. TK wrung his hands together in his lap, glancing over at Carlos who looked tense, his eyes now focused on the TV but TK could tell he wasn't really watching it, “I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” TK faintly said.

Carlos looked over at him, his shoulders dropping, some of the tension in them leaving, he sighed, “It’s alright-”

TK shook his head, “No it’s not,” He said, his voice weak but stern at the same time, “You’re just trying to help, I’m sorry” he was already putting up with more than most people would. TK had no right to take his frustrations out on him. “I told you I wasn’t the easiest to deal with,” He said, a weak smile on his face.

Carlos smiled back, reaching for TK’s hand and squeezing it, “You want something to eat,” Carlos asked again.

TK’s stomach still clenched and felt like it was being twisted but he could feel the hollowness growling, “Alright,” He conceded. 

Carlos leaned forward placing a kiss on TK’s forehead, standing up and walking to the kitchen. He pulled the lid off a large pot, and scooped out some soup into a bowl. He walked over and handed it carefully to TK, “I thought you might change your mind,” He smiled.

TK held it in his lap, letting the steam rise up and hit his face. TK blinked down at the soup; chicken noodle, TK’s favourite. It was a simple gesture, making TK’s favourite because he knew TK would want some later. TK felt like blinking grow quicker, a lump formed in his throat at the simple action. 

TK swallowed hard, “Thank you Carlos,” he managed to croak out, his voice uneasy. 

Carlos reached out and swept the tear from the corner of TK’s eye, “I know this isn’t easy, but you’re going to be okay,” It was sweet, thoughtful and pure, quintessential Carlos. TK moved closer to the man, their shoulders pressed together as they sat in silence. TK eat as much as he could, placing the blow on the sofa. Carlos had found some film on TV and the pair made themselves comfortable on the sofa. Carlos was spread out, TK laid almost on top of his, his head resting on Carlos's chest. TK felt his eyes growing heavy, each time he opened them the film seemed to be at a completely different point. 

TK rolled over, his arm dropping off the edge of the sofa. The coldness that wrapped around his arm pulled TK from his fragile sleep. TK raised his head, he was still in the living room but from the light cascading on the walls, it was the next day. TK let his head fall back down against the pillow, a wave of disappointment coming over him that it wasn't Carlos's chest. Just as TK felt the tug of sleep, he felt his phone vibrate in his jogger pocket, TK cursed, fishing under the blanket till he found it, holding it close to his face.

> Hey man, I got the day off today so let me know if you want some company, stay well - Paul 

TK dropped his phone against the sofa, pulling the blanket that had been draped around him higher. He heard soft footsteps enter the room, “Morning,” a quiet voice said. TK didn’t open his eyes, mumbling something that sounded like morning but he couldn’t be too sure. He felt a gentle hand brush his hair from his face, “You fell asleep here again last night and I didn’t want to wake you,” TK gave a weak nod, managing to peel his eyes open a slither, Carlos smiled down at him, “I hope the sofa wasn’t too uncomfortable,” He hummed. 

TK pushed himself up on the sofa, feeling his body ache as he did, his shoulder protesting, “Whoa take it easy,” Carlos said, reaching out to ease TK up. TK rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands, running his hands through his messy hair. “How you feeling?” Carlos asked.

TK looked up to see Carlos looking down at him, his brows knitted together in worry. TK felt a throb in his head roll over him, making him hunch over. He could hear Carlos saying something but the words merged together and were unclear. TK waved his hand to the side, “I’m fine, I’m fine,” He breathed, his breathing uneven and catching in his throat every now and then. 

“Should I call Michelle,” Those words cut through and TK shook his head, sitting up straight.

“No it’s fine it's just a headache," TK said, trying to smile but from Carlos' reaction it did little to dampen the man's worries, “Withdrawal symptoms,” TK finished. It had been around two weeks since he'd been given morphine at the hospital, he had spent the first week ignoring his withdrawal symptoms, them being hard to distinguish from the pain that his shoulder caused. In the past, TK had had symptoms last form a few days, to over a week. TK had been naive enough to think these symptoms would follow that trajectory. Unfortunately, these circumstances were something TK had never experienced before; coma, morphine, bullet wound, the culmination of all these events leading to a withdrawal that TK had never experienced before.

“What can I do,” Carlos asked, his hand coming to rest on TK joggers.

“Nothing,” TK sighed, he wished there was something, some magical fix either one of them could do but that wasn’t the case, “Just gotta wait it out,” he said. He had waited out withdrawals before, and normally after a week or so they would fade, but TK’s brush with relapsed seemed to have hit the reset button, his cravings coming back with force.

“You sure?” Carlos asked, the doubt clear in his eyes.

“It's nothing compared to what it was like at the start of the week,” TK might feel like shit right now, but compared to what he felt like a week ago it was an improvement, a small one, but it was something.

Carlos leant back against the arm of the chair, his brow raised, “You mean when you said you were fine to go back to work?” There was no malice in Carlos' words, only concern.

TK gave a breathy laugh, nodding his head. “It’s been around two weeks so things should start to get better,” he said, reminding himself as well as Carlos. _Things will get better_ , he told himself, again and again, needing to be reminded more often than not. TK reached over and took Carlos’s hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, it was then TK noticed Carlos was in jeans and a polo shirt, “Don’t you have work today?” He asked.

Carlos, ran his fingers over the top of TK’s hand, “I called in last night got the day off,”

TK shook his head, his brows pulled together in a frown, “You didn’t have to do that-”

“I know but I wanted to,” Carlos comforted, still holding TK’s hand in his, “Wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

“I’m just tired,” TK said, “Even though I’ve slept more in the last day than I have all week,” TK knew it was more of an emotional tiredness but that didn’t stop the frustration creeping into his chest at the constant tiredness. “You should go in,” TK reassured.

Carlos didn’t move for a moment, his eyes cast down at their hands. Carlos fidgeted on the sofa, and TK found himself tensing, unsure what the man was about to say.

Carlos moved closer, his other hand coming to rest on TK’s thigh. “I’m not saying I don’t trust you, because I do,” Carlos said, his eyes locking with TK’s, so full of support and warmth. “But do you really think being alone is for the best right now?” He tentatively asked.

TK understood why Carlos was asking and knew deep down that he was right too but it didn’t stop the flare of shame in his chest ignite. “You said the other night you were struggling, and last night you could barely move or talk,” Carlos trailed off, taking in a deep breath, “I just...I couldn’t do anything when you were lying in that hospital bed with a bullet in your chest, and I just feel helpless watching you in pain,” Carlos said, his voice breaking at the end. TK just stared his mouth slightly open, his eyes not blinking, “I just want to help,” He finished, and TK noticed the line of silver gathered at the waterline of his eye. 

TK had heard similar words from his father before, but hearing Carlos say them broke TK's heart in a way he didn't know was possible. TK swallowed the lump in his throat, reaching over to smooth Carlos’s cheek.

“You are helping,” TK said, his voice stronger this time, “I know this isn’t easy,” TK had never been on the other side of addiction, but he knew what it felt like to feel helpless, to watch someone you care about struggle and be able to do nothing about it. “But knowing you’re there for me, knowing that you don't judge, that is helping me,” TK said, letting his hand fall from Carlos's cheek, “I don’t want you to worry about this,” TK frowned. He didn't want Carlos worrying about TK, not wanting to leave him alone. TK felt a fear that he had locked away deep in his mind starting to tap against the box it had been locked in,

Carlos gave a playful scoff, “You’re my boyfriend, of course I’m going to worry,” He said. TK smiled at that, the fear quieting for a moment. In all the confusion and mayhem of the last few weeks Carlos and TK hadn’t really had time to enjoy their new relationship. 

“That’s the first time you’ve called me that,” TK said with a shy smile. He knew they were dating, neither had to say it, but just hearing the words, TK couldn’t help but focus on that small moment of joy.

Carlos smiled, his eyes shimmering from the moisture that still occupied them. “I’m going to take this one day at a time, and when I’m ready I’ll go back to work, go to NA and see my therapist and...” TK hit a wall, TK was trying not to think about what came next, he was meant to be focusing on the present. But the future lurked and TK didn’t know what his plan for it was. He knew what he said, he would stop putting a bandaid over a bullet wound and actually deal with his addiction but that was something easier said than done. TK leaned back on the sofa, shaking his head, “Anway, thank you for caring,” He smiled. Carlos stood from the sofa, starting to head into the kitchen when TK spoke, “You should go into work,” TK suddenly said. Carlos froze on the middle of the room, turning around to look at TK with a frown that suggested he was _not_ a fan of that idea.

"TK-" Carlos said, starting to walk over to the sofa again but TK just shook his head.

“Carlos I’ll be fine,” He said. Carlos raised his brow and TK sighed, “I know I’ve said that before but I mean it, I’m just going to stay here and...” TK waved his free hand around the room, sagging back into the sofa, “Get better,” There was nothing else he had to do, nothing else required of him but to get better. TK still itched to get back to work, still felt the ache in his chest as he thought about lying in bed while his team was out risking their lives.

“That’s all I want,” Carlos said. TK watched as he hovered in the middle of the room, still not wanting to leave TK alone. TK carefully pushed himself off the sofa, biting the inside of his cheek as his body protested. TK walked over to Carlos, “Look, Paul has the day off today," He sighed, TK hated that he had gotten to a point where no one trusted him to be alone, that his dad, his boyfriend didn't trust him to not do something stupid, what hurt worse is that they had both been proven right, "I’ll give him a call, he can babysit me,” He didn’t mean for it to sound like a bitter jab, but it did. 

Carlos' face hardened slightly, “I’m not saying you need to be babysat TK,” Carlos said, he shifted on his feet, "But the last time you said you were okay, I turned up to work to find you missing," TK tensed, his angry eyes dimming, his raised brows lowering as Carlos shook his head, his arms crossed over his chest, "I had no idea what happened to you if you were..." Carlos's voice caught in his throat, but TK didn't need to hear the rest of it to know what Carlos was about to say. TK knew Carlos wasn't trying to make him feel guilty but was trying to get him to understand. That truth didn't stop the guilt from almost drowning him.

TK pressed his eyes together, “I know,” He breathed, “I’m sorry, and I know those words will never be enough but I am," Carlos face softened, his arms dropping from his chest. “I'll call Paul, we'll hang out then you'll be home," TK assured, taking Carlos's hands in his, "You have to go back to work eventually," He said.

Carlos shifted on his feet, biting his lower lip as he thought it over, he leaned forward, “If you need anything-”

“Then I will talk to Paul or ring someone who isn’t at work,” TK interrupted, gaining a playful frown from Carlos, “But I won’t need to because I’m fine,” Carlos gave a small nod, still looking unsure, “Go get ready,” Carlos sighed and TK felt a twinge of guilt in his chest for making the man worry. Carlos looked up at TK, giving a more sure nod this time.

Carlos walked to the bedroom, stepping out a moment later in his police uniform, a sight that TK never got over. He turned around and grabbed his jacket off the coat rack, slipping it on, “I’ll see you tonight,” He said, leaning forward to kiss TK, “Please call if you need me,” He quietly said, giving TK a finale quick kiss on the lips. 

“I will,” TK smiled, “Be safe,” He added as Carlos started to head towards the door. Carlos gave one final smile before slipping out of the apartment, leaving TK alone.

TK dropped his shoulders, letting out a lengthy unstable breath as he felt his head lightly throbbing. TK stood looking around the empty room.

It suddenly felt larger. He walked back over to the sofa, sitting down.

The last few days he had been sleeping so hadn’t had much time to think about anything else, but now he did. All the thoughts that had crawled away to the back of his mind re-emerged.

TK didn’t exactly have a plan in his mind. He had told his dad and Carlos that he wanted to get better, _actually,_ get better but TK wasn’t exactly sure how to do that. He knew he should go to NA, see his therapist but everything just seemed like an effort now and he just wanted to sleep. 

TK needed to wake up, and needed some normality back in his life. He shuffled towards the bathroom and showered, hoping it would wash away some of the tiredness. TK stepped out of the shower, the room still filled with steam. TK took some cautious breaths, hoping the dense steam wouldn't strain his chest. His chest didn’t scream in protest like it had before, but instead, a light ache twinged as he took a deep breath. TK slipped back into the bedroom, looking down at a pair of joggers and a hoodie. TK reached out to take them then paused. TK’s fingers twitched, he sighed, pulling his hands back and going towards the wardrobe where he had kept some clothes. TK rummaged through it, grabbing a pale blue and white striped shirt and black jeans. TK got dressed, the first time in a while he had worn something that wasn’t joggers and a hoodie.

It was a simple action, but TK felt a small smile creep on his face. He was dressed, actually dressed. He perched on the edge of the bed, he should text Paul, he'd told Carlos he would meet up with him.

TK went back into the bathroom, opening the mirror cupboard to grab a hairbrush. His fingers gripped the small handle tight, every sound in the bathroom falling silent as TK stared ahead.

A little orange bottle stared back at him, aspirin from what TK could read. He slammed the cupboard shut, the force shaking the objects inside, hearing a few of the items falling off the shelf.

TK's breathing quickened, his hand still wrapped around the handle. It was just aspirin he told himself, it wasn't oxy or morphine or anything else; _just aspirin._ TK stumbled back from the mirror, his eyes were wide and TK could see the thin veil of sweat on his forehead. TK left the bathroom, slamming the door shut as he stumbled back into the living room.

TK was alone.

And he'd found pain killers.

TK closed his eyes tight, standing in the middle of the room taking a few shaky breaths. Maybe Carlos was right, maybe he couldn't be trusted to be alone. 

_No._ TK thought, no he wasn't going to mess up again. He was going to focus on right now, and right now TK needed to leave. He grabbed his keys off the sideboard, heading to the apartment door. TK didn't think about when he'd have to eventually come back here later, he didn't think about his plans for the day. He thought about this minute and in this minute he made the right choice. The door closed behind him as TK walked down the path, ready to face the next minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, this chapter was one of the hardest to write, I struggled to pin the right tone down. Essentially I wanted to showcase that even though in the last chapter we had TK saying he wanted to get better and accepting everything that had happened that it isn't that easy. I thought about my own experiences and experiences of those I know for this chapter so that's how I ended up with this chapter!
> 
> ANyway, enough rambling, I hope you guys enjoyed; any comments and kudos are much appreciated and feel free to come find me on tumblr at @tkstrrand 💗


	11. Philia, Storge, Philautia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TK leans on the people close to him, examining his past relationships and how they have affected his recovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in 24hours, I can't believe it! I struggled with this chapter for a long time but I actually really loved how it turned out! I hope you guys enjoy 💗
> 
> -aj @tkstrrand

TK wandered outside the large building, his feet scraping across the gravel. He didn’t have any intention of going to a NA meeting today but as TK had left Carlos, he couldn’t get the image of the bottle out of his mind and TK couldn’t think of anywhere else that would help get rid of it. TK pushed open the door lightly, slipping into the building. People milled around the room, chatting and drinking coffee. TK walked further into the building, his hands fidgeting in his pocket. 

“TK,” A voice said, TK looked up to see Theo walking over to him with a smile. TK gave one a weak one back. Theo held his hand out and TK shook it, “How have you been?” He asked.

TK simply nodded, unsure he wanted to unload everything that had happened over the last few days. TK turned so his back was resting against the wall, his hands now crossed over his chest, “You were right, I wanted to go back to work because I didn’t want to focus on what was happening,” TK confessed. He had spent the last few days trying to tell people the truth, first his dad, then Carlos and now Theo.

“And what was happening?” Theo asked.

TK had rather foolishly hoped that Theo would take that comment as it was and wouldn’t press anymore, alas TK was wrong. “I was struggling,” TK breathed, “In withdrawal and I didn’t want to admit,” He said, “And I didn’t want to admit it because being an addict is sometimes easier than being sober,” He had already admitted this to himself and his dad, but saying it out loud again made TK’s heart clench. 

Theo raised his brows, “That's a lot to realise in a few days,” Theo said “How you dealing with it,” 

TK didn’t know the answer to that, part of him thought he was dealing with it well, he hadn’t relapsed, he’d been resting. He’d gone to NA when he was struggling, something TK wouldn’t have done a week ago. On the other hand, TK wasn’t really sure if anything had really changed, he still had to go back to Carlos and TK wasn’t sure what would happen when he got back there. “I thought once I admitted it things would just kinda...fix themselves,” 

“Afraid it doesn’t work like that,” Theo said, giving a sympathetic smile.

“Yeah, I’m starting to realise that,” TK sighed. TK had told himself that he needed to just focus on the present, focus on the now but part of TK thought that was just a way for him to ignore what he needed to do. “I was at my boyfriend's place and saw a bottle of aspirin and basically had to run out of the house,” TK admitted, scoffing at the ridiculousness of the comment. 

“You wanted to use?” Theo asked.

“No,” TK said, crossing his arms over his chest as he frowned at the man, who just raised his brow. TK le t out a deep breath, letting his arms fall, “Maybe, yeah,” It had been ten years since TK had started taking drugs and yet it never got any easier to admit it, in fact as the years went on it seemed to get harder.

“I asked you the other day, about the root of your addiction,” Theo started, “ Sometimes that can explain why we react in certain ways,” 

There had been many nights TK had thought about why he first took drugs, over time the truth had morphed into an easy story for TK to tell therapists and NA members. “It was a distraction,” He quietly said, more to himself than to Theo. “Made things easier,” TK didn’t miss the sick irony of that statement, TK’s involvement with drugs hadn’t made things easier for a while, if ever.

“A way to ignore what was really going on,” Theo finished.

“I guess I never really stopped doing that,” TK confessed. The pattern was an easy one to see but also easy to ignore. Every time something got hard, every time TK wanted to ignore a problem his brain told him there was an easy way to forget and fix his problems; drugs. It’s what he had done when his parents had argued, when he would worry about his dad at work and what he did after Alex.

TK heard a murmur in the room and Theo stepped back, motioning to the group of people who were starting to sit down, “Shall we,” He smiled. 

TK sighed, pursing his lips for a moment before he started to walk over. Just focus on the meeting TK told himself, just focus on the now.

He walked out of the hall, leaning against the brick wall and looking skywards. The meeting had lasted around an hour, TK hadn’t talked too much, he had decided to listen. His foot tapped against the floor, his hand starting to feel fidgety again. 

He looked up, his eyes catching a pharmacy across the street. He pushed himself off the wall and started to walk down the street, wondering why the world was testing him so much today. TK pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through till he found the name, typing out a quick message. TK paused holding his fingers over the keys, he deleted the message and retyped it. TK sighed, letting his head fall back to look at the sky. Maybe he should just go home, back to Carlos’s and wait for him.

He bit his lip, a disheartening feeling settling in his chest that told him being alone today was risky. TK looked back down at his phone, typing a message and sending it before he could change his mind.

TK sat at the small wooden table, playing with the straw in his milkshake. TK glanced up, smiling broadly as he saw Paul walking towards him, “Hey,” TK greeted.

“Hey,” Paul grinned, TK moving to hug the man, both pulling back to sit at the table. TK pushed across a coffee he had bought for the man, “Looking good man,” Paul said, taking the coffee.

TK gave a small laugh, “Couldn’t get much worse,” He said, “How’re things back at the station,” 

Paul nodded, “We’re missing you but we’re getting by,” He smiled.

“And my dad?” TK asked, his eyes cast back down at the milkshake.

“He’s fine, glad you’re doing alright,” He assured. TK hadn’t seen his dad in three days, being asleep when he stopped by. TK was thankful that his dad was able to have some time to himself and didn’t have to worry about TK, “You are doing alright?” Paul tentatively asked, lowering his head to catch TK’s eyes.

“I’m resting,” TK said, sounding better than saying he’d spent three days drifting from the sofa to the bed. TK looked down at his milkshake, twisting the staw again, trying to stop his hands from shaking. TK glanced up and saw Paul watching his hands, which TK had done a terrible job of steadying. Paul raised his brow in a questioning way, “I think it’s more exhaustion at this point,” TK said, giving a weak smile.

Paul narrowed his eyes for a moment, giving a small nod of his head, “Hm so all those times we asked if you were alright,” he trailed off, raising his brow at TK. His comment sounded similar to what Carlos had said earlier.

“Yeah…” TK breathed, understanding the point Paul was making, ducking his head slightly.

“You could’ve talked to us man,” Paul said, his voice slightly hushed, “We could have helped,”

“I know,” TK said. He trusted his team with his life, they were his family and TK had no doubt that if he needed their help, they’d be there. TK leaned back on his chair, his hands coming to rest in his lap, “But I didn’t want it,” he admitted. 

Paul paused, looking at TK. He leant forward on the chair, his hands resting on his thigh, “Do you want it now,” he asked.

TK had told his father that he wanted it, and he had told Theo, but the question wasn’t that simple and neither was the answer, “I know I’m meant to say yes,” TK said.

“But,” Paul asked.

TK tapped his fingers on the table, he was about to open a box he had locked and hidden away a long time ago. TK leaned forward on the table, the box in his head creaking open, “I was on and off drugs for a long time in New York,” Paul’s eyes widen, clearly not expecting that as TK’s response, “Then I met Alex,” TK felt one corner of his lip twitch up, the nostalgia almost made TK smile, “He helped me to get clean and said he’d always there,” The smile tugged again, lasting less than a second before TK remembered why he was telling this story and where it ended, “Over the years we drifted and I knew it but...I didn’t know how to be sober without him,” During his first NA meeting he’d been warned about the dangers of entering a relationship when you were trying to stay clean, TK thought it was ridiculous but after a few years, he started to understand. His sobriety and relationship with Alex became so entwined that TK didn’t know how to have one without the other. 

“When he told me he’d been cheating and was leaving all I could think was...” TK swallowed, resting back on his chair. TK’s mind was full of dark corners, walls and boxes created to lock away memories and truths that cut too deep. Since being in Austin, a number of those walls had begun to crumble and as he sat in front of Paul another one of those boxes clicked open, “...All I could think was it was because he got tired of having to help me,” He had thought about it as he packed to leave New York, when he first met Carlos, the thought never seemed to stay locked in its box.

“You can’t blame yourself for what happened with him,” Paul said.

TK didn’t and did. He was so angry at the start, in a way he didn’t know a person could be. Then as time went on and on those quiet nights at home, TK would think about their relationship and a startling and cold realisation came over him, “I pushed him away and I don’t want to do that to you guys, to Carlos,” TK’s voice hitched as he said Carlos name.

“You aren’t going to push us away TK,” Paul said in a soft voice, “We’re your friends,  _ your family _ and no matter what you’re going through we’re going to be there for you,” TK knew that, he didn’t doubt that. That wasn’t what worried him, what worried him was them resenting the decision to stand by his side no matter what later on, “Like you were there for probie when he needed help, like you were when I needed your help,” Paul smiled, giving a small laugh, “As for Carlos,” His smile grew, “I don’t know Alex, but I can tell you that Carlos is nothing like him, he’s with you because he wants to be with you, he’s a grown man that can make his own decisions,” TK knew Carlos wanted him to talk to him, to let him help but every time TK thought about it that box in his head rattled, “We are  _ all  _ here for you TK, and we ain’t going anywhere and that's  _ our _ choice,”

TK gave a small nod, unsure he could speak without causing the water that had gathered in the corner of his eyes to fall. TK took a few breaths, nodding his head again, as he looked off to the side, “Thank you, Paul,” He croaked. TK let out a slightly shaky breath, “Now enough about me, what’s going on with you,” He asked, a genuine smile growing on his face.

Paul laughed, leaning forward on his chair. 

For the next few hours, the boys exchanged stories, Paul talking about what had happened in the station over the last three days, what had been going on in his life and TK sat and smiled at his friend.

“And probie, he’s outta control” Paul laughed, shaking his head as he pointed at TK, “He now thinks  _ you _ should technically be the probie,” He chuckled.

“What,” TK called, leaning forward.

“Ohh yeah,” Paul said raising his brow, “I think I heard Mateo and Tim called you probie,” Paul teased, picking at the fries they had ordered for the table.

TK gave a mock offended look, scoffing, “I need to get back soon, can’t allow that” He smiled.

“When do you think you’ll be back I mean no pressure,” Paul asked.

“Honestly,” TK sighed, “I’m not sure,” He said. That was beyond TK’s one day at a time plan, “When I can do more than walk into the kitchen without being exhausted,” He joked, his smile falling as he realised that was currently his reality. 

“Take your time man, we just want you to be okay,” He smiled.

TK looked up at the sky, smiling for a minute before looking back down at Paul, “You know for the longest time I didn’t know what okay was, I thought it meant that my addiction was gone and I never stumbled, so when I did I kinda spiralled,” TK assumed sobriety would be secure, unwavering but that was the farthest from the truth. “Guess I’m starting to realise I can struggle and still be okay,” When TK had struggled before, when cravings had occurred he assumed he’d failed sobriety, that having cravings meant TK wasn’t strong. If TK thought he’d failed then why bother trying to stay sober any longer.

That had become the cycle of TK’s addiction and it was one he was trying to break.

“It's nice to see you smile man,” Paul said, that signature smirk on his face.  TK laughed, reaching out to place the straw in the corner of his mouth, "So, I met this girl the other day," Paul started. 

TK raised a brow, leaning forward, "tell me more," He smirked.

They talked for a while longer before the men parted with a hug. TK stayed at the table, Carlos would be home in an hour or so. TK should just go back to Carlos. 

Or maybe his dads, then the images of bottle after bottle of pain killer lined up in his dad's bedroom swarmed TK’s mind.

_ His dad. _

TK slipped his phone out of his pocket, pressing the name, holding the phone to his ear as it rang.

As soon as the line clicked on, a concerned voice ran through, “TK, how-how are you,” His dad asked, TK could hear the familiar noses of the firehouse in the background.

TK slumped into the back of the chair, “It’s been a rough few days,” He admitted, the image of those aspirins still in TK’s mind, “And morning,” He said, “But I went to a NA meeting, and then saw Paul so I’m doing alright,” It was the first time in weeks that TK had said he was okay and had meant it.

He heard a large sigh of relief from his father, “That’s great TK,” he said, and TK could hear the smile that he was sure was covering his dad’s face.

“Carlos said you came round the other night,” TK said, “Sorry I wasn’t able-”

“You don’t have to apologize TK,” His father said, “I was just glad to see you resting,

TK nodded even though his father couldn’t see, “Listen I know you’re at work today but I was thinking after your shift tomorrow I could come by for dinner?” He asked. He knew that even though he had said he was okay, his father would worry till he confirmed it for himself.

Owen let out a joyful breath, “That would be great, I’d love that,” He said. TK wasn’t sure what tomorrow would bring, if he’d wake up feeling worse or better. TK didn’t even know what would happen when he went back to Carlos. 

“Take it day by day son,” Owen said, clearly sensing TK’s silence as his mind started to overwork. 

TK gave a brief smile, “Day by day,” he repeated.

The uber ride back home didn’t take long, TK hovered outside Carlos' front door for a moment, his keys clasped in his hands, feeling heavier every moment. He finally slipped them into the lock entering the house. TK kept his back against the door. Unlike before, the room felt small, like the cupboard in the bathroom with the pills was just in reach. 

_ Focus on now, this minute. _

TK swallowed, walking into the kitchen. There were dishes from the night before and a coffee cup. TK placed them into the sink, starting to wash up, he needed to keep his mind on something. After he finished that, he grabbed a cloth, wiping over the kitchen and moving things around, tidying up. 

It was a simple task, but it kept his mind busy, kept him focused. After he finished, he headed towards the bedroom, pausing outside the bathroom like an invisible force was tugging at him.

TK slipped into the bedroom, and closed the door, like the physical barrier would put the thought out of his mind. TK picked his clothes up that he had scattered around the room, folding them and placing them in the duffle bag he had brought over ages ago, placing the rest of his jumpers in the cupboard. TK looked around the room again; his charger, some books of his and pieces of jewellery were scattered around the room. TK hadn’t noticed how much of his stuff was at Carlos or how he was now referring to Carlos as home. TK tidied his things up, putting them away. TK sat back down on the bed, flopping down on it, blinking at the ceiling. 

Tk hated pauses. When there was nothing to do, that’s when his mind could think about tomorrow. When the boxes and walls in his mind creaked and cracked. TK pulled his phone out looking at the time, Carlos would be home in around an hour, maybe a little less. TK sat up, taking in a deep breath; _minute by minute_.

An hour later, TK was spread across the sofa, flicking through the channels on the tv, not paying much attention to what was on. TK heard the lock on the door twist and click open. TK looked up as Carlos came into the lounge, a broad smile on his face as he saw TK.

He dumped his keys on the sideboard, quickly walking over to TK, “Look who’s awake,” He smiled, leaning down to catch TK’s lips in his, “And dressed,” he said, pulling back to shed his jacket off and hang it up.

TK got up from the sofa, following Carlos into the kitchen. “How was your day?” TK asked, leaning against the island of the kitchen, his elbows resting on the hard marble.

Carlos gave a slightly forced smile, as he started making some herbal tea “Same old, same old,” he said, pouring the drinks. TK understood what that meant; he’d had a rough day.

TK pushed himself up straight, “Wanna talk about it?” He asked.

Carlos gave a frail smile “You’ve got enough going on without having to listen to my shitty day,” TK took the cup from Carlos. TK pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, rolling it for a moment. Carlos hung his head, bobbing the tea bag up and down lost in thought. 

TK stepped forward, using his free hand to tilt Carlos chin up, “Tell me about your day,” He said again, not forcefully but with enough strength so Carlos knew he meant it. 

Carlos let out a deep breath, leaned back against the counter, recalling a story about a woman who had been shot by her husband. Carlos and his crew had been called to the scene by the woman's young daughter, “We were too late,” He soberly said.

TK ducked his head for a moment, shaking it, “I’m sorry,” he said, “Those days are the worst,” He’d had plenty of those days himself, and the pain and anguish of seeing it never got any easier. TK reached out, taking Carlos’s hand, “But you did everything you could,” He soothed.

TK stared down at their hands, his jaw clenched, “I just can’t stop thinking about that little girl,” he said in a hushed tone.

“Remember when I told you about that house that collapsed during the tornado? Those two kids and their dad,” Carlos nodded, raising his head. “I still think about them,” TK admitted, “If we could have done more,”

“You couldn’t,” Carlos reassuringly said, squeezing his hand. 

TK smiled, leaning forward, “And neither could you,” He said. Carlos’s smile grew, giving TK a nod to show he understood. It wouldn’t change what happened, wouldn’t take away that pain that TK was sure was in Carlos' chest, but it might lessen it, might bring some comfort.

Carlos dropped his hands from TK’s wrapping them around his shoulder, “Thank you,” He hummed, placing a light kiss on TK’s lips. 

TK smiled, lacing his fingers together around Carlos back, “How was your day?,” He asked.

“Good,” TK said, “I went to NA, saw Paul,” he said.

“NA meeting good?” He asked, his face showing some surprise at the revelation that TK went to NA.

“Yeah, it was,” TK said, for the first time TK felt like he was involved in the meetings rather than just viewing them from the outside. “Nice to see Paul as well,” He smiled, seeing his friends added some normality to his currently very complicated life. 

Carlos nodded, opening his mouth to say something but instead he paused, looking around the kitchen, “Did you clean up in here?” He asked, untangling their bodies much to TK’s disappointment. 

“Yeah, after I got back I didn’t know what else to do and wanted to keep busy...so,” TK motioned around the room.

Carlos grabbed the tea he had made on the side, passing it over to TK, “You must be tired,” He asked.

“Yeah,” TK nodded, the half an hour he spent lying on the sofa had done little to recharge him. “but it’s a good tired,” He clarified. It wasn’t the same tired of the last few days where he had done nothing, today he was tired because he did something. Carlos placed another kiss on TK’s lips before turning around to look in the fridge, “Hmm, what do you want for dinner,” He asked. TK moved from the island towards the other table, picking a takeaway bag off the table that Carlos had missed. TK placed the bag next to the fridge, Carlos looking at it before turning around to TK, his eye wide, “Is that-”

“Yep,” TK nodded. During the hour before Carlos had come home, TK had ordered their favourite takeout before collapsing on the sofa.

Carlos tilted his head to the side, “You didn’t have to do that,” He smiled.

“Consider it a thank you,” TK said, returning the smile.

“For what?” Carlos asked, peering into the contents of the bag, his smile widening.

“Being there for me,” TK said, both men inches apart from the other in the kitchen, “And giving me time to work my shit out” He finished. Carlos gave TK a look like he wanted to say something, but TK took a breath that told Carlos he wasn’t done. TK walked out from the kitchen sitting down on a chair in front of the large wooden table. Carlos came over and sat opposite him, “I was talking to Paul today I realised that maybe the reason I didn’t want help was because of what happened with Alex,” Carlos frowned, not because he was angry with TK but he was angry with the man that caused TK to speak a little quieter and curl up in himself whenever he said his name. “So much of our relationship was about keeping me sober and that drove him away,” It was a truth that TK had come to accept, they had both made mistakes in that relationship and the ending couldn’t all be put on Alex’s shoulders. TK realised he had just been staring down at his hands since he said Alex’s name. TK finally looked up to see Carlos watching him, TK bit his lip, “I don’t want that to happen between us,” He quietly said. He had told Paul this earlier, but telling Carlos caused TK’s stomach to clench and cramp.

Carlos reached across the table, placing his hand on top of TK’s, a warm smile on his face, “It won't,” He said.

Carlos’s soft eyes were locked on TK’s, Carlos’s whole face radiating warmth and kindness, “I know,” TK smiled, shaking his head slightly, “I mean I guess I don’t,” TK didn’t know, he couldn’t know what the future would hold. That had always scared TK, not knowing what was going to happen meant something bad could happen, “but I trust you, and I trust how I feel about us” He said, earning a wider smile from Carlos, “I know communication hasn’t always been my strongest suit but I know I can talk to you about anything” He said. TK felt his own smile drop slightly, he fidgeted slightly on the chair, looking up at Carlos, “But I need you to promise me something,” He said. 

Carlos’s face grew serious, he gave a slow nod.

TK sat up straight, “If you're ever feeling overwhelmed, I need you to tell me,” TK needed Carlos to understand this. He knew things wouldn’t always be perfect and easy, TK’s life never was, but if this was going to work, they needed to talk, “And please don’t feel like you can’t tell me about your day,” He said, “I wanna be here for you, like your there for me,” TK finished. Alex and TK’s relationship had always felt one-sided. Alex had never let him in, had always just wanted to  _ fix  _ TK and once he thought he had he got bored.

Carlos sat silent for a moment before leaning forward on his chair to take TK’s other hand, “I promise,” He smiled. TK leant back in his chair, the wave of relief washing over him. TK stood up from the chair walking over to where Carlos was, leaning down to kiss Carlos, hovering over his lips for a moment even after he pulled back. TK grabbed the food off the island, placing it on the table where they sat. 

TK and Carlos sat at the table eating their dinner. Occasionally one of them would say something and the other would smile or laugh. The atmosphere in the room felt lighter, and TK was sure they both looked like a weight had been lifted. After they finished dinner and cleared up they headed into the bedroom, both too tired to watch something on the TV. TK quickly changed out of his jeans and shirt, throwing on a loose t-shirt and a pair of boxers. Carlos looked around the room, raising a brow at TK, clearly asking  _ did you tidy in here too?  _ TK shrugged his shoulders, a playful smile on his face, that told Carlos  _ as I said, I was bored.  _ Carlos just laughed, shaking his head. 

TK ran his fingers through his hair, padding across the floor towards the bathroom. TK slipped inside and reached for his toothbrush which was in the little cup. TK smiled as he listened to Carlos telling a story in the other room. TK finished brushing his teeth and dropped the toothbrush into the cup. “I’ve got morning tomorrow off, wanna go out for lunch or something if you’re feeling up for it?” Carlos called from the bedroom. TK looked over his shoulder, peaking at Carlos who was in the room across, “Yeah, that sounds good,” TK smirked as Carlos got changed for bed. Carlos seemed to sense the look, turning around to give TK a playful glare. TK laughed, still looking at Carlos as he opened the mirror in front of him grabbing some mouthwash, “I’m heading over to my dad's for dinner tomorrow night if you wanna come?” TK said unscrewing the cap as his eyes still lingered on his boyfriend. TK finally peeled his eyes away, swilling his mouth out with the mouthwash.

“As much as I would love that,” Carlos said, coming to join TK in the bathroom placing a kiss in the crook of TK’s neck, causing TK to laugh as he placed the mouthwash back inside the cupboard, “I’ve got work in the evening,” He said, “And anyway, I’m sure your dad would appreciate some quality time with you,” He said, grabbing his own toothbrush. TK nodded, it was true that the father and son hadn’t spent much time together lately, and the time they had spent together had been fraught with tension. TK perched on the bathtub, watching his boyfriend brush his teeth. It was times like this TK had come to cherish. Where the chaotic world around them fell silent, the pair tucked away in their own little world. Carlos finished brushing, grabbing the mouthwash as TK did. He smiled, it had been so long since they had had a moment like this. TK had always loved adventure, danger, he chased it. He never felt comfortable when things were quiet.

Except now.

TK felt the corner of his lips rise, sitting here with Carlos, watching him being so content; TK had never felt more comfortable. Carlos finished, wiping his mouth with the hand towel, “I’ll be back late tomorrow but feel free to let yourself in after dinner, I always enjoy coming home to you” Carlos hummed.

TK got up from the edge of the tub, walking up to Carlos, “Thanks,” he purred. Carlos gave a small laugh, reaching for the mouthwash and opening the mirrored cupboard.

Carlos said something as he placed the bottle in the mirrored cupboard, holding it open for a moment. It only lasted a second before Carlos closed the door. In that moment, TK saw what had driven him out of the apartment this morning and what he had completely failed to notice a moment ago. TK started at the mirror, his own reflection just staring back at him. 

“You okay?” Carlos said, looking between TK and the spot in the mirror he was staring at.

TK pulled his eyes away from the mirror, swallowing hard. He backed away, sitting back down on the tub, his hands resting on his knees. “I was in here this morning and opened that cupboard,” TK said, nodding towards the mirror, “and saw the painkillers,” Carlos’s face paled, his entire body seemingly going rigid, he opened his mouth to say something but TK continued talking “I freaked out so hard I had to leave, that's why I went to NA,” TK confessed. Carlos stepped forward, coming to sit next to TK on the tub. “The last week, two weeks all I've been thinking about is taking pills or finding them,” Their shoulders were touching and TK felt Carlos tense again. TK looked over at his boyfriend, giving a small laugh, shaking his head, “When I was in here a minute ago, and we were talking...I didn’t even notice them,” TK smiled, giving another huff of a laugh. He felt Carlos relax next to him, his own tentative smile growing, “For the first time in weeks, I didn’t think about using,” TK said, finding his voice sounded shaky. 

A hand reached across to squeeze TK’s leg, Carlos was looking at him, his own eyes glistening with tears.

“Didn’t I say you’d be okay?” He smiled, earning a laugh from TK. Carlos moved his hand, brushing it against TK’s cheek, “I’m really proud of you Ty,” He said, his voice soft.

TK raised his brows, “Did you just call me Ty?” He asked, Carlos’s turn to laugh. TK shook his head, “Way to ruin the moment,” He teased.

“Oh you love it,” Carlos smirked.

TK just looked at Carlos. His eyes still glistened, somehow still looking beautiful in the fluorescent bathroom light. TK had never met someone whose smile made him feel like Carlos’s did. TK reached out, entwining his fingers with Carlos, looking down at their swinging hands. “Yeah I do,” TK breathed, his voice hitching as he spoke. The boys just looked at each other for a moment, TK wanted to say more, say what he really meant by those words. 

Carlos raised their joined hands to his lips, pressing a kiss on TK’s before letting their hands fall into his lap, “Come one, let’s go to bed,” Carlos soothed. 

Carlos stood from the tub, TK following him to the bedroom. They crawled into bed, TK’s body feeling drained after everything that had happened today. He curled up next to Carlos, his boyfriend's arms wrapping around him as TK placed his head into the crook of Carlos' neck. TK yawned, tiredness starting to shroud his mind.

_ You’ll feel better tomorrow. _

Carlos had told him that once. TK had known he was wrong, knew the next day would be worse and he was right. 

TK had been living minute to minute today, hour by hour trying not to think about what came next.

TK craned his head up, Carlos was asleep, a content smile on his face. It had been a long time since TK had looked forward to the next day, a long time since he’d fallen asleep with a smile on his face. 

Tomorrow he got to have dinner with his dad, maybe see his crewmates,  _ his family,  _ and at the end of it, he got to come back to Carlos. TK smiled, a long breath escaping his lips as his eyes fluttered closed. 

_ You’ll feel better tomorrow  _ Carlos had once said, and for the first time, TK believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some happy and wholesome tarlos this chapter and TK and Paul (I just adore their friendship) Thank you for reading, any comments or kudos are greatly appreciated!💗
> 
> -aj @tkstrrand


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